Carol Drury, PhD

I have some shocking news. In a new study conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, and reported in his book The Truth About Cheating, it’s estimated that one in 2.7 men will cheat—and most of their wives will never know about it. This article is about why men cheat, but don’t get me wrong, women do as well, but not in as great numbers. Although wives can factor into affairs, Gary’s book is not about blaming wives it is about empowering them. I tell my clients who cheat “You made a choice; you had a number of other options; I mean, cheating is ridiculous. It’s wrong. And you can’t justify it.

What’s the number one reason men cheat? Ninety-two percent of men said it wasn’t primarily about the sex. The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under appreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures, Gary says. Men are very emotional beings. They just don’t look like that. Or they don’t seem like that. Or they don’t tell you that.

With daily worries like bills, children and chores, it’s easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. The Other Woman often make the man feel better about himself. She makes him feel different. Makes them feel appreciated and admired.. Men look strong, powerful, and capable, but on the inside, they’re insecure like everybody else. They’re searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued. How often does a man cheat on his wife with a woman who’s more attractive? Not as often as you may think. In most cases, the wives are often surprised that they are better looking then the Other Woman. Again, it is often not about sex.

Men have a winning mentality, Gary says. Just think about how the man in your life acts while watching his favorite sports teams. He loves to win. He has ownership in the team as long as they’re in the game, even to the very end, they’ll watch. Once it’s a blowout and he knows his team can’t win, television goes off. What a lot of men said to Gary through his research was, I just felt like I couldn’t win. Now these guys might not have been great guys to live with, but if you want to secure your relationship and have the knowledge of men, make them feel like they’re winning with the things that they do for you.”

Don’t be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does. We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we’re wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing, and the more we give it, the more we get it in return. I use this same model with my couples in Imago Relationship Counseling. If you want your needs to be met by your partner, it is important that his or her needs be met as well.

Only 7 percent of men who strayed told their wives without being asked. Fifty-five percent of men in Gary’s study have either not told their wives or lied after being confronted with hard evidence. I kind of tell people, ‘If you’re going to wait for him to come tell you, go buy a lottery ticket, because you like playing against the odds, Gary says. There is a moment where every woman has to look at her husband and say, simply, ‘Look. The fact is that I think you may be cheating. I’ll trust you at your word. I have no choice. But there’s something wrong with us.

Just as the little things are often signs that something is wrong, the little things can also help rebuild relationships, for example, if a man tries to make breakfast and burns the toast, stay positive. Men want to feel like they’re pleasing their wives. … When you give him the message mainly that he screwed up, then unbelievably, it makes him feel insecure. He thinks, I can’t win. Engender the good feeling of the trying and the effort that he’s made. That’s where the love really is.

Gary says the truth can be very difficult for women to face because it could be the end of her marriage and the beginning of a painful divorce. Gary says the cheater’s lying is really the ultimate betrayal. I say to men, look, do yourself a bigger favor, be honest with your wife when you’re just beginning to get interested in somebody else. Sit down with your wife and say Listen. Something is wrong, Gary says. I concur 100% and I teach my clients to affair proof their relationships!

Most affairs start at work or through a hobby. It begins as an emotional relationship. There’s a friendship that develops. It’s not just looking for the sex. We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They’re horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing—and they can be your husband.

If you suspect your husband is cheating, their are unobtrusive ways of investigating, such as looking at cell phone records or computer histories, or try using an automobile GPS tracking device if necessary. But first, find out if GPS tracking is legal in your state. Here are several signs that a husband is cheating:
• He spends more time away from the house.
• You have less sex. (or occasionally more)
• He avoids contact.
• He does not answer his cell phone.
• He criticizes you more.
Not only are these the signs that he’s cheating, Gary says, but they’re the same signs for when he is about to cheat. So if he’s starting to do that, either he’s cheating or you should bring it up because he might be about to cheat. It’s a precursor. Another precursor to a man’s cheating is when he suddenly cannot stop talking about another woman.

Men often try to hide their cheating, even if the relationship has ended, because they cannot bear the guilt and are trying to cover it up. However, if their wives confront them, they need to come clean, but not necessarily about everything. There’s a very negative effect to telling everything, even if you as a woman must know, Gary says. The best questions for a woman to ask are ones that will help her get a full picture of what happened and how to protect herself in the future. These are questions like: Who is she? Where did you meet her? How long ago did it happen? Do you still have anything to do with her? Do you still love her? The questions to avoid are those that focus on specifics. A cheated-on woman should absolutely not ask: Did you tell her the same things you told me? Was she better at sex than me? What color underwear did she wear?

It’s very hard to get further past that when you have all that information, Gary says. And here’s the bottom line that a woman has to understand if you’re going forward in this relationship and he’s confessing and he’s remorseful, and that is he was screwed up before. He made a mistake. He knows that. … But right now he’s saying, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I really messed up.

In his research, Gary uncovered the number one complaint cheating husbands have about their home sex lives. Believe it or not, the majority say it’s frequency of sex. This is exactly what I hear in my practice. Women’s magazines make women believe that they have to have a PhD in prostitution education or else the husband’s going to cheat, according to Gary. Not true, It’s just a matter of frequency.
This is important information ladies so pay attention. Sex for men is an emotional act, and a woman initiating sex is like getting flowers and him washing the dishes for us! It’s saying that I adore you, I care about you, I want to do something nice for you. It’s a way that they connect, Gary says. He wants to do it with you because he wants to feel love. He wants to have that loving connection—the touch, the feel, the sensuality, the passion that comes through a sexual connection.

If you have more questions or would like to discuss this article with me further, please feel free to email me at cdrury@md.metrocast.net. I look forward to your questions, concerns, and feedback

Tags: cheating, infidelity, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Relationship Counseling, Sex & Intimacy

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