Carol Drury, PhD

Currently, women are initiating 70 – 75% of all divorces

The reasons women cheat are as varied as the women themselves. Some get involved in extramarital affairs because they are lonely, others because they want to escape the monotony of marriage. Still others are motivated to cheat due to revenge after they find tell-tale signs of their husbands’ infidelity. Then we have narcissistic women who marry good men who love and take care of them but continue to fool around with other men for a sexual thrill or for material goods.
When men cheat, it is often not an indication that they are terribly unhappy in their marriages. It can be compared to a man walking into the kitchen and seeing a chocolate cake sitting on the counter. It looks good; it smells good. He may not be hungry, but he will eat the cake anyway. In other words, men sometimes cheat when they see a woman who is attractive and appears to be interested, and even though there is nothing extreme lacking in their marital relationships, they initiate affairs anyway. On the other hand, women usually cheat when the marriage is not fulfilling and is already in trouble. They cheat because they feel emotionally alone or because the husband has been unfaithful.
Women tend to cheat for support, nurturing and to reinforce their own desirability. They feel neglected themselves, and they decide to get emotional support, intimacy, and sex elsewhere. The women are unfulfilled sexually and emotionally. They feel they are taken for granted and viewed by their husbands simply as housekeepers, baby-sitters, errand-runners and providers of services needed for their own personal fulfillment or gratification.
These are the primary reasons women stray from their relationships.
SELF-ESTEEM BOOST:
Many women are emotionally needy, and they sometimes seek sex outside of marriage to confirm they are okay, they are beautiful and desirable, they are sexy, and somebody loves them for the real women they are rather than for their cooking, housecleaning and child-rearing abilities. Sometimes the husband takes the wife and the marriage for granted, and she feels used. He never wants to go out for dinner or a movie. He hardly wants to talk and shows little interest in her job, her desires or her dreams. In fact, their conversations mostly revolve around home repairs and the children. A woman in such a situation is a prime candidate to seek self-assurance outside the marriage.
EMOTIONAL NEGLECT:
In today’s society, there is much emphasis on achievement and accomplishment, on a big house, a fancy car, designer clothes, jewelry, and electronic toys. People work hard, and they play hard, so hard they often neglect their emotional lives. By the time they get home from the job, they are used up. Often what happens is the wife will accept a booty call. There is no time or energy for a quality home life, so they get sex on the run, at home and otherwise. Many women need more than that, and sometimes they go outside the marriage to fulfill that emotional need and many women are having affairs because they are lonely for a more real relationship.
REVENGE:
There is much truth in hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. When a woman suspects her partner is cheating, and the signs are always there, it brings out the worst in her. Some women admit that they have embarked upon affairs only after their husbands confessed to or were caught in their own indiscretions. For these women, revenge is sweetest when they keep it to themselves.
SEEKING EXCITEMENT:
Like some men, there are women who are thrill-seekers. They love or need their husbands and wouldn’t think of leaving them. However, they want more than their spouses can or are willing to provide. They are tired of the monotony of monogamy, the Wednesday-night-only or no sex at all relationship. It is a common fact that marriages grow stale after a few years, especially after the arrival of children. If the couple doesn’t make an effort to keep the thrill and excitement in their marriage, the wife just might seek that fulfillment elsewhere. She wants him to feel that he can’t wait to be with her, that he is glad to see her. This level of excitement is not very realistic. Most relationships, if you’ve been in them long enough, reach a plateau. However, there are those who don’t want to reach that dreaded plateau. When they feel that the marriage has reached that level, they go outside of the marriage to find that spark.
No matter what the reason, the important point is that for most women, by the time she is considering having an affair, it may be too late to save the marriage. This is very different from what happens with men. The lesson here for men is that when your woman tells you that she is unhappy and that she needs more of your time, your energy, your attention, or your heart, you need to pay attention – NOW!

The Anatomy of a Woman’s Affair
We know that women are the most likely to divorce in their late twenties and thirties after an average of four years of marriage. During this time, it’s quite common for women to experience a pre-midlife crisis, which is similar to the male midlife crisis, only with an important difference – a difference that can actually make women more likely to cheat than men. There appears to be four separate stages women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. We can call it the Anatomy of an Affair from the female perspective.
Stage 1 – Loss of Sexual Desire

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is usual for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat or worse yet, leave them.
Stage 2
Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a new man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.
Many women in this stage haven’t felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either good or bad, women will question their good girl status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is common for an extramarital affair to follow.
Stage 3
Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel alive again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. Should I stay married or should I get a divorce? This is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 – it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3 will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a search for self. They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a good girl.

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.

Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a new relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their good girl status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.
Stage 4
The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two. Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner’s primary relationship.

Tags: infidelity, marriage counseling, Relationship Counseling, Sex & Intimacy, Women's Issues

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