Flyer for Workshop #1 and Retreat #1

August 18th, 2010

“A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.” (Mahatma Gandhi)

The Visionary Alliance & Dr. Carol Drury
Announce
the First Workshop & Retreat In a Series for 2010 – 2011
Workshop #1:
Understanding Differences in the Male & Female Brain or
“When It Comes to Relationships, We Are Still Neanderthals!”

Who Should Attend?
Anyone in a Relationship with a Member of the Opposite Sex – Personally or Professionally
(guaranteed to improve all your relationships with partners, coworkers, bosses, family, and even your adolescent children!)

Date: Saturday – September 25, 2010
Time: 8:30 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.
Where: The Hilton Garden Inn Solomons
Fee: $345.00 per person ($50.00 off per couple, if husband & wife or committed partners attend together)

Retreat #1:
Finding & Keeping Love for Couples Through Imago Relationship Theory

Date & Time: October 21 – 23, Friday 5:30 pm – Sunday 2:00 pm
Location: The Hilton Garden Inn Solomons – hotel stay required

A Substantial Breakfast, a Satisfying Lunch, and All-day Drinks & Snack Bar included in the fee. We promise to fill your day with interactive learning & valuable information that you will immediately find useful when you return home or back to the office.

There will be door prizes for added fun.
Certificates of Attendance will be available at the conclusion of the day.

For information about the workshop content Contact Dr. Carol Drury, CEO at cdrury@md.metrocast.net or 301-475-5969

For registration, scholarship, & general workshop information contact Bonnie Elward, Executive Assistant at bonnieelward@verizon.net or 301-863-0130

http://www.cdrury.com/bridges

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NEWS FLASH – September Workshop Scheduled

July 31st, 2010

I am so excited to announce my first of a series of Workshops & Retreats for 2010 – 2011. This has been in the works for over a year and it is finally about to come to fruition. The first Workshop will take place on September 25th and there is a first retreat for couples scheduled for October 16 – 18. Future workshop topics and dates will be scheduled based on the voting, which will soon be available on my website. I guarantee the workshops and retreats will be remarkably interesting & lots of fun!

The subject of the first workshop is: “The Difference Between the Male & Female Brain” or “We are All Still Neaderthals.” This workshop is perfect for anyone in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex – personally or professionally. I have to tell you that the information included in this workshop is so so interesting – it will blow you away, and make a significant positive improvement in all your relationships. It is the most interesting information I have read in years.

The workshop will take place on Saturday, September 25, 2010 from 8:30am – 6:00pm at the Hilton Gardens Solomon (Maryland). The fee is $345.00 and includes a Healthy Breakfast, a Buffet Lunch, and All-day Drinks & Snack Bar will be available thoughout the day. Please let me know if you have a favorite non-alcoholic beverage so we can add it to our list.

If a married couple or long-term commited partners attend together, there is a $50.00 reduction in their combined fees. Those attending will be given a Loyalty Card and will receive credits for attending workshops, referring others to the workshops, and completing evaluation forms. When sufficient loyalty credits are earned, they can be turned in for free workshops of your choice. Scholarships will be available for those in need and you can contact my Executive Assistant, Bonnie Elward at bonnieelward@verizon.net for more information. The number and type of scholarships will be dependent on the workshop and the total number of attendees. Please contact either Bonnie or me with any special circumstances.

There will be lots of door prizes just to make it a little more fun, and Certificates of Attendance will be provided at the conclusion of the day. Please let us know of any special accomodations you may require. It is our intent to make this the best learning experience you have had since Kindergarten!

Please email me at cdrury@md.metrocast.net for additional information on the workshop or retreat content and Bonnie at bonnieelward@verizon.net for a registrationand/or scholarship form or additional information regarding directions, scholarships, or special accomodations.

Posted in Family, Family Issues, Life Coaching, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Parenting, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Counseling, Uncategorized, Women's Issues, Work Issues | No Comments »

Dealing with Difficult People

July 9th, 2010

Some people go to extraordinary lengths to be difficult. Think of the diva actress whose on-set needs can never be met or the boss who keeps moving the goal posts. The difficult person elevates the deliberate provocation to an art form. The underlying message is often, unless you agree with me and go along, you’ll regret it. Although the difficult people make up 3-5% of the population, they create over 50% of the everyday problems.

One clue that a person is attempting to intimidate or manipulate you is the use of unpredictable, or protean, behavior—acts that are random and seemingly out of the blue. A dictator keeps his minions guessing—and scared. Some forms of despotism are much subtler: Duke Ellington was known for provoking heated rivalries and feuds among his band mates in the belief that such strife would make the music hotter.

Erratic behavior is a powerful weapon because it defies accurate prediction. Often, the behavior comes as a surprise even to the person generating it. Flying into a rage or staring you down and dismissing you summarily are common strategies to keep you off-kilter. Unpredictable actions serve the purpose of confusing potential usurpers and avoiding responsibility. Your boss freaks out, throws things and yells. Some might call him irrational, but the irrationality gives him a leg up.

Erratic behavior served adaptive ends in our past, and it still does. Just as a minnow might cut a zigzagging path to avoid being snapped up by a larger fish, the boss alternately screams and stonewalls to avoid having her motives laid bare.

Protean behavior evolved to prevent people from being psyched out. That’s not to say that fickle acts are always openly hostile and aggressive. The difficult person can just as easily be solicitous or seductive: Think of femme fatales from biblical Judith to Mata Hari. Unpredictable behavior is at heart about deception, and it’s just as likely to be unconscious as conscious.

If such behavior comes from a boss or a spouse, you’ve got some tricky choices to make. There are several problems confronting you at once, since you’re juggling competing goals. Your ego tells you to stick up for yourself, but you want to avoid an unnecessary argument.

Usually we can’t resist getting riled up in our own defense. The ease with which we fall into dueling dyads is a remnant of a “culture of honor” that most of our ancestors needed to adopt. Our neural circuitry equips us to jump immediately to our own defense. The Neanderthink urge to rectify an injustice kicks in automatically, lest we accept abject defeat. The immediacy of the “me versus you” and “us versus them” reaction hinders a more intelligent and considered response.

We usually regret having charged into battle—or at least we wonder what we were thinking, and that’s just it: We weren’t thinking. An emotional reaction bypasses thoughtful deliberation. No rational person today would engage in an argument with a random person on the street. However, if someone bumps into us, blocks our way or otherwise wants to hassle us, our immediate inclination is to freeze, fight or flee. Similarly, our immediate response to the verbal slights or manipulative barbs of a difficult person is often to fight back. Your immediate reaction is, I can’t stand this crazy, insulting behavior.

We too quickly jump to our own defense when we feel insulted. We do so because we have evolved a hyper-vigilant concern for our standing among peers. This focus on status makes sense as a play for dominance and power, qualities that translate into real mating options. The need to retain status is an example of Neanderthink. This knee-jerk demand for status can push us to get outraged and to lose focus on larger goals, such as keeping your job or your partner. We want to prove that we are correct—but doing it angrily and intolerantly can hinder your major objectives. Dominance at every turn is good, but not a necessity.

This is not to say that everyone has the immediate urge to lash out in self-defense. Some people freeze when confronted with criticism, telling himself or herself, I must not be criticized or I must be above criticism. Temporary paralysis in response to a physical threat may once have kept you alive; but freezing in the face of a verbal onslaught won’t help you make your case.

To cope with a difficult person, you need to learn to question your automatic defensive philosophies, such as I will not be treated that way; I won’t let you get away with this and my reputation is on the line if I fail.

Certainly, we all can be miserable, hostile and unpleasant at times. However, difficult people are this way all the time. A brief encounter with a difficult person leaves one angry, frustrated, and demoralized. These people go right for the jugular vein. The negative behavioral patterns they learned are used strategically to wear you down. Their only objective is to win regardless of who stands in their way.

Difficult people have learned to be this way because it is effective for them. Their hostile and negative behavior serves them well. Their arsenal of aggressive behavior catches their prey off guard and then renders them helpless. Consequently, after a confrontation with these people, it’s usual to feel mentally abused and frustrated.

Resisting the trap set by difficult people is easier if you’re aware of your vulnerability to getting hurt and then feeling angry. That tendency is a vestige of Neanderthink, because there was a time when your status was more closely linked to life or death than it is today. In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?

Research shows that supportive relationships are good for our mental and physical health. However, dealing with difficult people and maintaining ongoing negative relationships is actually detrimental to our health. It’s a good idea to diminish or eliminate relationships that are filled with conflict. However, what do you do if the person in question is a family member, co-worker, or someone you otherwise can’t easily eliminate from your life?

The following are tips for dealing with difficult people who are in your life, for better or for worse:

1. Avoid discussing divisive and personal issues, like religion and politics, or other issues that tend to cause conflict. If the other person tries to engage you in a discussion that will probably become an argument, change the subject or leave the room.

2. In dealing with difficult people, don’t try to change the other person; you will only enter into a power struggle, cause defensiveness, invite criticism, or otherwise make things worse. It also makes you a more difficult person to deal with. Change your response to the other person; this is all you have the power to change. For example, don’t feel you need to accept abusive behavior. You can use assertive communication to draw boundaries when the other person chooses to treat you in an unacceptable way.

3. Try not to place blame on yourself or the other person for the negative interactions. It may just be a case of your two personalities fitting poorly.

4. Remember that you don’t have to be close with everyone; just being polite goes a long way toward getting along and appropriately dealing with difficult people.

5. Work to maintain a sense of humor – difficulties will roll off your back much more easily. Shows like The Office and books like David Sedaris’ Naked can help you see the humor in dealing with difficult people.

6. Be sure to cultivate other more positive relationships in your life to offset the negativity of dealing with difficult people.

7. Remember that most relationship difficulties are due to a dynamic between two people rather than one person being unilaterally “bad.” Here’s a list of things to avoid in dealing with conflict. Do you do any of them?

A. Try to look for the positive aspects of others, especially when dealing with family, and focus on them. The other person will feel more appreciated, and you will likely enjoy your time together more.

B. However, don’t pretend the other person’s negative traits don’t exist. Don’t tell your secrets to a gossip, rely on a flake, or look for affection from someone who isn’t able to give it. This is part of accepting them for who they are.

C. Get your needs met from others who are able to meet your needs. Tell your secrets to a trustworthy friend who’s a good listener, or process your feelings through journaling, for example. Rely on people who have proven to be trustworthy and supportive. This will help you and the other person by taking pressure off the relationship and removing a source of conflict.

D. Know when it’s time to distance yourself, and do so. If the other person can’t be around you without antagonizing you, minimizing contact may be the key. If they’re continually abusive, it’s best to cut ties and let them know why. Explain what needs to happen if there ever is to be a relationship, and let it go. (If the offending party is a boss or co-worker, you may consider switching jobs.)

The first step in coping with a difficult person is to understand why they behave this way. Generally, these people are unhappy, insecure, and have low self-esteem. Early in life they learned to get their needs met in maladaptive ways, such as, being the bully. Although there are different types of difficult people – some are overly aggressive, while others may be passive-aggressive – their dynamics are similar. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted. Unfortunately, they have learned inappropriate ways to achieve this.

These behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained in the personality of the difficult person. The overly aggressive difficult person (one who bullies, explodes, screams, etc.) uses their aggressive posture as a defense mechanism. Because of their weak and fragile ego, they need to protect themselves. Their best defense is a strong offense-aggression. Therefore, they feel in control of themselves only in a situation that allows them to feel powerful. However, it doesn’t stop there. Like all weak people, their insatiable need to feel secure makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at any cost.

The second step in trying to cope with difficult people is to distinguish between a person who is having a bad day and one who is a difficult person. Keep in mind that difficult people make up a small percentage of the population. However, having an encounter with one makes that percentage appear larger.

The first way to help distinguish between the two is to reflect on the history of the person. In other words, “Is the behavioral pattern normal or unusual for this person?” The difficult person is this way all of the time. A non-difficult person who is having a bad day is just reacting to a particular situation.

Another approach in distinguishing between the difficult person and a person having a bad day is found in the way you communicate with them. Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to your effective communication and rational reasoning. The difficult person will be relentless in their pursuit to beat you and win.

To help you maintain composure when confronted by difficult people, it is important to keep three things in mind. First, you can never change the difficult person. The old saying that a leopard never loses its spots holds true with the difficult person. These people need to be this way and for them to change is to expose their vulnerability.

When confronted by difficult people, remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their webs, they are trying to trap you. By bombarding your ego with insults and intimidation, they want you to lose control and fight with them. When this happens, they got-cha. Listen to them, maintain direct eye contact and when appropriate speak in a clear firm voice. It is easy to become wrapped up in the heated situation, so remain detached and distant from these people. Doing so will help keep you from becoming entangled in their web of misery and hostility.

The final step to help cope with the difficult person is not to personalize the problem. Certainly, this is easier said than done. Between wishing they would be different, thinking you can really help them, and trying to survive their emotional assault, it’s difficult not to internalize the problem. Yet, in order to cope effectively with these people, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem. Some of the following thoughts might be helpful in your attempt to depersonalize the situation:

This is their problem; I will not make it mine. I’m not going to allow anyone to dictate my behavior. They want me to fight with them, but I won’t allow it. Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies. I have the choice to play or not this game.

The bottom line is that trying to cope with difficult people is never easy and is quite frustrating. Trust the fact that all people have trouble dealing with difficult people. Although it may not seem possible to deal with difficult people effectively, remain confident in your abilities and coping skills. In addition, keep in mind that engaging in an argument with these people is a no-win proposition. In fact, the only way for you to win is to elect not to play.
If you’re required to respond to an irrational attack, ask the antagonist what exactly he is upset about, in order to show that you are interested in communicating rather than in arguing. The burden of responsibility is now on the antagonist once again.
After the unreasonable salvo, go ahead and agree with a kernel of truth in the complaint. You’ll overcome your own Neanderthink impulse to jump into the fray by looking for that one small fact about which the critic is correct—and hen agreeing with that single point. Your boss calls you a screw-up. Ask, “In what way did I screw up?” If she says, “You just are a screw up,” agree with one discreet example (if it is accurate), but correct her overgeneralization.
You can defend yourself more easily and tactfully once the emotional heat has abated. Say your boss says, “Again, you’re totally screwing up.” You can defend without a defensive tone: “It is true that I made a mistake, and I appreciate constructive feedback to minimize errors in the future.” Stand up for yourself by reiterating the specific error, but refuse to be incorrectly labeled a screw-up.
Offer to the difficult person your best guess as to what he or she is feeling, and ask for feedback. “It sounds like you’re angry right now, and I’m sorry about that.” This demonstrates a willingness to understand the difficult person’s frustration without blame or defensiveness.
Resist the urge to fight to win the argument. Listening and asking questions leads others to their own better conclusions. This process is known as the Socratic Method. Although it didn’t ultimately help Socrates, today’s laws are a bit more enlightened—so it might help you.
Forgive – What would the Dali Lama do if he were in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, what is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?
Wait it Out – Sometimes I feel compelled to send instantly an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is allowing cool off time. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
Does it really matter if I am right? – Some times, we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask Does it matter if I am right? If yes, then ask why do I need to be right? What will I gain?
Don’t Respond – Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
Stop Talking About It – When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best not to repeat the story to others.
Be In Their Shoes – As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
Look for the Lessons – No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it, some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life – Negative people can be a source of energy drain, while deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
Become the Observer – When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
Go for a Run – or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
Worst Case Scenario – Ask yourself two questions, if I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it? If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it? Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
Avoid Heated Discussions – When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
Most Important – List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?
Pour Honey – This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to Pour Poison on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
Express It – Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

Tags: coping skills, difficult people, diva, family, hostility, work
Posted in Anger, Anxiety & Stress, Family Issues, Work Issues | No Comments »

Forgiveness

July 9th, 2010

With the War on Terrors raging in Iraq and Afghanistan, it seems appropriate to visit the notion of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not just a religious doctrine. It is a skill necessary for personal psychological health and is a critical aspect of living well. It is necessary for the healing of broken relationships – for reconciliation. Much of the work I do with my clients experiencing intense anger involves forgiveness and the use of guided imagery as a method to alleviate the anger and facilitate the forgiveness

We often believe that forgiveness is for the benefit of the person who has offended us. Not true! It is for the benefit of the forgiver. In his book, Forgive and Forget, Lewis B. Smedes has written, “Forgiveness is outrageous. When we do it, we commit an outrage against the strict morality that will not rest with anything short of an even score. It is creative – for we create a new beginning out of [our] past pain that never had a right to exist in the first place.” Creating a new beginning out of our personal pain benefits us more than anyone else.

Forgiveness seems even more difficult when the offender does not apologize or when he or she may not even be aware that you are hurt. It often seems impossible when physical or emotional distance makes reconciliation impossible or when the injury runs so deep, its effects reverberate throughout your whole life. When we don’t forgive, old anger and pain keep bubbling up in our lives, creating resentment, guilt and general unhappiness. If you find yourself saying repeatedly, I just can’t forgive or that injustice is just too great, consider well the painful consequences to your own emotional life that you will maintain or make worse.

How do we go about learning the skill of forgiveness? Perhaps the following suggestions will be useful.

Remember that forgiveness does not happen quickly. No more than a physical wound instantly heals with the application of a bandage; forgiveness does not occur in a single moment of tear-streaked reunion. Forgiveness is a journey. It is a process. So learn to be patient and persistent as you travel the road of forgiveness with the end of the journey, the freedom and internal peace, kept firmly in the forefront of your mind.

Bring to mind the offense. Remember it. It may be easy to forget the little hurts and inconveniences of daily living. It is painful to remember the major wounds and tragedies. However, to forget and repress such memories only drives them underground in your psyche where they fester and re-emerge in ways that damage you and your relationships. You cannot forgive what you refuse to remember. Sure remembering may be painful. So, be caring and gentle with yourself, and remember in small amounts. With remembering comes greater understanding.

Recall the consequences of the injury: the shattered relationship, the pain, the loss or losses and the material or psychological setback. What part of yourself was lost that you would like to recover to make yourself whole once again?

Consciously decide to forgive. I know parents of a young child who was raped and brutally murdered. When they got past the usual denial of that terrible injustice, they remembered the event with all its horror. Only then could they decide to forgive or not. Face that decision squarely. Do you really want to forgive? When anger and hatred have been living in our hearts for any length of time, we become used to them. We may even grow to like our grudges and our hatreds.

Finally, write down the anticipated consequences of forgiving. What are the benefits to you? Write out what difference forgiving will make in your life. What will you gain? What will you lose? Then decide to do something in a forgiving way. You can contact the offender or you can write a letter that you may never send, but where you express your forgiveness. You can also have a ceremony where you write down the harm that was done to you, then light the paper on fire, and watch it all go up in smoke or cut it up into small pieces and scatter it on the water.

Repair the damage as best you can. Systematically, move to the compassionate position of wishing well to the person who hurt you. At that point, you will know you have reached the end of your journey. Forgiving can be a long, painful journey, but the freedom and new life for you, makes the trip worthwhile.

Tags: Anger, compassion, Depression, forgiveness, healing, pain, resentments, self-love
Posted in Anger, Collaborative Mediation, Existential Questions, Guided Imagery, Marital Counseling, Mediation, Men's Issues, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counseling, Spirituality & Inner Peace, Wellness, Women's Issues | No Comments »

Help for a Broken Heart or How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

July 8th, 2010

The following are notes from my radio show on June 24, 2010 – The work is not original. It is a compilation of information I found on the internet from trusted sources. Unfortunately, I did not take the names of the authors, as I chopped the info up so much so that this compilation has little resemblance to any single piece of work. It is just an accumulation of facts and suggestions.

Definition of a Broken Heart

A broken heart (or heartbreak) is a common metaphore used to describe the intense emotional pain or suffering one feels after losing a loved one, through death, divorce, breakup, moving, being rejected, or other means.

Heartbreak is usually associated with losing a spouse or loved one, though losing a parent, child, pet, or close friend can also break one’s heart. The phrase refers to the physical pain one may feel in the chest because of the loss. Although heartbreak is usually a metaphor, there is a condition – known as broken heart syndrome - where a traumatizing incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue.

For many people having a broken heart is something not recognized at first, as it takes time for you to acknowledge an emotional or physical loss. Human beings are not always aware of what they are feeling. Like animals, they may not be able to put their feelings into words. This does not mean they have no feelings. Sigmund Freud once speculated that

a man could be in love with a woman for six years and not know it until many years later. Such a man, with all the goodwill in the world, could not have verbalized what he did not know. He had the feelings, but he did not know about them. It may sound like a paradox — paradoxical because when we think of a feeling, we think of something that we are consciously aware of feeling. It is surely of the essence of an emotion that we should be aware of it. Yet it is beyond question that we can ‘have’ feelings that we do not know about.” (Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson)

Religious Views – Buddhism

Regarding the sadness of loss and heartbreak, the Buddha had the following admonition:

O, monks! Why should every female, male, layperson, or priest always consider that all things they love would one day go away from them? What is the advantage of taking the said matter into consideration? Hearken, monks! All fondness and love existing in the beings lead them to perform physical, verbal or mental bad deeds. Upon having always taken such matter into consideration? Hearken, monks! All fondness and love existing in the beings lead them to perform physical, verbal or mental bad deeds. Upon having always taken such matter into consideration, the being will be able to leave or lighten such fondness and love. O, monks! That is the advantage that every female, male, layperson, or priest should always consider that all things they love would one day go away from them.

In classical references – Psalm 69:20

This biblical reference highlights the issues of pain surrounding a broken heart:

Insults have broken my heart and left me weak, I looked for sympathy but there was none; I found no one to comfort me.

In this Psalm,King David says that insults have broken his heart, not loss or pain. It is also popular belief that rejection, major or minor, can break an individual’s heart. If a loved one rejects you, this heartbreak greatly increases.

Literature – Plays of William Shakespeare

Plays of William Shakespeare feature characters dying from a broken heart, such as Ahenobarbus.

Changes to the Heart – Broken Heart Syndrome

In many legends and fictional tales, characters die after suffering a devastating loss. Nevertheless, even in reality people die from what appears to be a broken heart. We commonly blame broken heart syndrome for the death of a person whose spouse is already deceased, but the cause is not always so clear-cut. Sudden emotional stress caused by a traumatic breakup often causes the death of a loved one, or even the shock of a surprise party. Broken Heart syndrome is clinically different from a heart attack because the patients have few risk factors for heart disease and were previously healthy prior to the heart muscles weakening. The recovery rates for those suffering from broken heart syndrome are faster than those who had heart attacks and they achieved complete recovery to the heart within two weeks.

Associated Feelings

The symptoms of a broken heart can manifest themselves through psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although we commonly regard the experience as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur:

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack

Stomachache and/or loss of appetite

Partial or complete insomnia

Anger

Shock

Nostalgia

Apathy (loss of interest)

Feelings of loneliness

Feelings of hopelessness and despair

Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem

Medical or psychological illness (for example depression) (psychosomatic illnesses)

Suicidal thoughts (in extreme cases)

Nausea

Fatigue

The thousand-yard stare

Constant or frequent crying

A feeling of complete emptiness

In extreme cases, death

The Left Lower Ventricle

It appears that when a person is suffering the loss of a loved one wither from death or divorce, or separation, or just your garden variety break-up the left lower ventricle actually shrinks. It is hypothesized that this may cause the actually aching the one feels when heart-broken. The heart is actually broken!

Types of Broken Hearts

Whether you are 22 or 62, the first step is to determine from which type of broken heart you currently suffer. There are actually four different types of broken hearts. Several factors determine the type broken heart from which you may suffer including your relationship history, the type of relationship, the reasons for the break-up, and many more. Once you know where your heart stands, your counselor, therapist, doctor, healer, or priest can give you customized healing advice.

Start with the first healing step – the survey – to see where you stand. There are 15-questions and the entire survey should take about 2 minutes. If you’re ready to see which of the four types of broken hearts you suffer from, then go – take it!

How broken is your heart?   http://www.healmybrokenheart.com/assessment2

What Exactly Is Heartbreak?

Many things can cause heartbreak. Some people might have had a romantic relationship that ended before they were ready. Others might have strong feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Alternatively, maybe a person feels sad or angry when a close friend ends or abandons the friendship. Although the causes may be different, the feeling of loss is the same — whether it’s the loss of something real or the loss of something for which you only hoped. People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness, emptiness, and sadness

How Can I Deal With How I Feel?

Most people will tell you you’ll get over it or you’ll meet someone else, but when it’s happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. If you’re experiencing these feelings, there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Here are some tips that might help:

Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they’re going through — helps them feel better.  That could mean talking over all the things you feel, even having a good cry on the shoulder of a comforting friend, family member, counselor, healer, or religious leader. Others find they heal better if they hang out and do the things they normally enjoy, like seeing a movie or going to a concert, to take their minds off the hurt. If you feel like someone can’t relate to what you’re going through or is dismissive of your feelings, find someone more sympathetic with whom to talk. (OK, we know that sharing feelings can be tough for guys, but you don’t necessarily have to tell the football team or your wrestling coach what you’re going through. Talk with a friend or family member, a teacher, or counselor. It might make you more comfortable if you find a female family member or friend, like an older sister or a neighbor, to talk to.)

Remember what’s good about you. This one is really important. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what’s happened. They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they’re experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can’t think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to remind you. Listen for old tapes from your childhood that are causing you to be harder on yourself then the situation warrants.

Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don’t let the rest of your body get broken too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.

Don’t be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up can be extremely tough, and getting some of those raw emotions out can be a big help. I know this is another tough one for guys, but there’s no shame in crying now and then. No one has to see you do it — you don’t have to start blubbering in class or at soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow at night or in the shower when you’re getting ready for the day.

Do the things you normally enjoy. Whether it’s seeing a movie or going to a concert, do something fun to take your mind off the negative feelings for a while.

Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you’re coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps. This is a great time to redecorate your room or try a new hobby. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think about what happened — working things through in our minds is all part of the healing process — it just means you should focus on other things too.

Give yourself time. It takes time for sadness to go away. Almost everyone thinks he or she won’t feel normal again, but the human spirit is amazing — and the heartbreak usually heals after a while. How long will that take? That depends on what caused your heartbreak, how you deal with loss, and how quickly you tend to bounce back from things. Getting over a break-up can take a couple of days to many weeks — and sometimes-even months.

Some people feel that nothing will make them happy again and resort to alcohol and/or drugs. Others feel angry and want to hurt himself or herself or someone else. People who drink, do drugs, or cut themselves to escape from the reality of a loss may think they are numbing their pain, but the feeling is only temporary. They’re not really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all their feelings build up inside and prolongs the sadness.

Sometimes the sadness is so deep — or lasts so long — that a person may need some extra support. For someone who isn’t starting to feel better after a few weeks or who continues to feel depressed, talking to a counselor or therapist can be very helpful. So be patient with you, and let the healing begin.

Broken Heart Survival Guide

People may say no one ever died of a broken heart, but when you’re suffering from one, it sure doesn’t feel that way–at least initially. These suggestions may help you navigate the painfully troubled waters of a relationship that has ended and help you heal a broken heart. How long will it be before you can get through your daily routine without feeling the wave of pain sweep over you, without sensing that knot in the pit of your stomach, without dwelling on what went wrong? If these are some of the questions you are asking yourself, you are not alone.

A broken heart can cause such an intense reaction that many of us feel our lives are being completely stripped of meaning. Jobs, hobbies, and friends no longer hold any joy for us. In fact, some even experience physical pain with a tight chest, nervous stomach, or terrible insomnia. Time heals all wounds is what we have all heard over the years, but do you really have to wait for time to heal these wounds? Absolutely not. There are exercises that you can do to experience remarkable relief to your pain. They were developed by people who have been in this pain and sought a better way to heal.

Instructions

Days 1 and 2

1. Step 1

Breathe. All you can do is survive this first and difficult day. Take one day at a time. Give yourself permission to mourn. Call in sick at work, sleep all day, eat too much ice cream, sob, be a mess if you need to.

2. Step 2

Congratulate yourself for being human: It is only when you open yourself to love that your heart can break. Develop and repeat a helpful mantra to get you through the initial shock and pain, such as This too shall pass; I will survive; I am a good and worthy person; I will carry a new love in my heart one day – whatever works for you and makes you feel just a tad better even for a moment.

3. Step 3

Reach out to a close friend or family member or make a call to a therapist, counselor, healer, or religious leader. It helps to share your thoughts with others. Watch a movie to distract yourself. Choose a comedy that has cheered you up in the past. Watch a movie that’s guaranteed to make you sob–it may surprise you how good that feels.

Month 1

4. Step 1

Week 1: Force yourself to go out even if you are feeling despondent. Take yourself out for a cup of coffee or go on a long walk. Express your emotions in a way that comes naturally. Write in a journal, paint, sculpt or play music. Do daily cardiovascular exercise–the endorphins will give your spirits an immediate lift. Resist the urge to call your ex. Instead, write a letter. Don’t mail it. Go out of town for the weekend to distance yourself from the temptation to call your ex. Visit an old friend or go back home to your roots. A change of environment does wonders for the spirit. Put everything that reminds you of your ex in a box and seal it. Throw it away, donate it to charity or ask a friend to hold on to it indefinitely. Book a long weekend in a sunny place – go with a close friend or just a good book. Explore guided imagery and buy some CDs – www.healthjourneys.com.

5. Step 2

Week 2: Surround yourself with friends. This may mean reaching out to people you fell out of touch with during the relationship. Make lists to help you regain your confidence and identity: a list of your friends, of things you like, of what you want to accomplish in the next decade. Spoil yourself: Get a new hairstyle, have a spa day or go shopping. Resist the urge to call your ex. Think only positive thoughts. Use thought stopping when a negative or morose thought comes into your head.

6. Step 3

Week 3: Assess the experience. Have you learned anything about yourself? Does the experience make you more empathetic to others who’ve suffered a hardship? Begin an activity that will fill your time, distract your mind and rebuild your confidence. Train for a marathon, take up yoga or learn a new language. Resist the urge to call your ex. Volunteer your time at a local homeless shelter, soup kitchen or tutoring center. It will take your mind off your own woes and keep your suffering in perspective.

7. Step 4

Week 4: Continue regular socializing and exercising. While socializing, though, make sure you don’t depend on alcohol or drugs to dull the pain. Consider dating other people, but be wary of rebound relationships. Understand that you will need to experience and process sadness, anger, guilt and fear to heal fully. Burying or ignoring these emotions will thwart the healing process. Write, cry, and share the feelings with friends. My rule is no serious relations for 1 year after a divorce, but few people listen to me; most wish they did!

Months 3 to 6

8. Step 1

Force yourself to go on dates. You’ll be surprised to discover that your heart can still flutter over someone. It’s part of the healing process.

9. Step 2

Consult a psychiatrist if you are experiencing symptoms of depression, such as lack of appetite, insomnia or too much sleeping, low self-esteem, and an inability to concentrate or carry out routine tasks. Ask a friend or physician to recommend one who is experienced in treating depression.

10.Step 3

Remember that healing is a process that takes time. Expect waves of sadness, anger, guilt or fear even after you think you are over it. Give your heart time to heal.

One year and beyond

11.Step 1

Compartmentalize the experience in your memory: “My heart was broken once. It really hurt and I’m glad it’s over.”

12.Step 2

Reach out to your ex if you want to re-establish a friendship. Do not harbor secret ambitions of winning him or her back. You’ll only set yourself up for another heartbreak.

Additional Tips for Moving On:

It’s okay to grieve for a time. Seek support from your friends and family as you come to terms with the changes in your life.

Don’t look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills.

Don’t worry that you’re not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you’re with.

You don’t have to be a recluse just because you aren’t a couple. Treat yourself to an evening out doing something you enjoy. Take along a friend if it’s not a solo activity.

Treat yourself to a special gift now and then. You are a special person and you deserve it.

There’s more to life than romantic love. Take this opportunity to nurture your friends, family and self.

Take some time to reevaluate what you need in a relationship. Have you been choosing partners who are not capable of a loving and mature relationship?

Be willing to take another chance on love. As they say, you can’t win if you don’t play.

Be a friend to yourself. If you care about yourself, the odds are better you will attract those you care about you too.

If you’re finding it hard to let go of a relationship, you may need to seek counseling. An obsessive need to be with someone who no longer wants a relationship may be a sign of love addiction.

Avoid jumping into a rebound relationship. Take some time to work through all the issues from your previous one.

Don’t try to get revenge. This will only slow your progress in healing from the hurt.

Forgive yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them.

Forgive your partner. This doesn’t mean that you are saying what happened is okay. What it means is cutting your losses and not investing any more time in something that hurts you.

Looking back, what is the longest amount of time you have been out of a relationship? If it’s less than 6 months, you may be someone who defines himself or herself through your partner. This is a burden on your partner and no relationship will last with this kind of pressure. Find a great therapist and work out your childhood issues and possible abandonment issues if you ever expect to have a long-term loving relationship. Relationships are only as healthy as the two people in them are.

Tips:

Church groups, volunteer activities, gyms, and university lectures are just a few ideas for meeting new people in a safe environment.

Get a makeover, join a gym, or start a diet. As you improve your health and appearance your self-esteem will rise.

Repeating daily affirmations can help you to regain confidence in yourself.

First love

Getting over your first love is incredibly difficult. This is because we all think our first, real, wonderful, romantic love will last forever. Funnily enough, we don’t look at our friends and their early relationships and think that they will last forever. In addition, we know statistically that most people do not fall in love at 17 or thereabouts and stay with that person for life. However, knowing these things does not seem to stop us from feeling that our particular first love is golden and timeless and unlike any other. So when it ends its shattering.

The only comfort is that this romance has shown you how much love you have to give. In addition, people with love to give are attractive individuals to whom others are drawn. One day, you’ll look back at your first love and realize that it was a great dress rehearsal for subsequent relationships. However, you’re unlikely to feel that right now.

You can feel so beat up after your heart is broken that you feel seriously ill, or as if you’ve been in a car crash. So, treat yourself as if you are recovering from a bad illness or a road traffic accident. Let other people care for you, too. Get as much sleep as possible. Eat lovely foods. Convalesce – allow yourself to cry – even if you’re a guy. It’s horrible at the time, but you’ll feel better afterwards. Take life gently – you’ve had a shock, and your mind and body need time to get over it.

Your friends will help you get over it. Soon, they’ll be asking you to come out in a group to the cinema or the pub or whatever. At first you won’t be in the mood, but soon you’ll realize that there are some bonuses to being single again. In fact, you’ll find that this is a good time to do stuff that you didn’t do with your ex. So now you can go to the sorts of films that you like, or you can listen to your type of music, or go on your type of vacation.

Once you’re over the stage of feeling shocked and ill, try to look back at your relationship as it really was, not through the rose-tinted spectacles you’ve worn for so long. Write a list of the things that you don’t miss about your ex. At first, you’ll be thinking that you loved everything about this person, but you didn’t. What about those awful jokes, the rows, how you always had to make the arrangements if anything was to get done, the times when your ex put you down or made you feel stupid or how they didn’t like your best mate? There are always elements to our past loves that weren’t right, and this is a good time to focus on them.

Starting again

Sometimes when our hearts are broken we want to find someone new to love us as soon as possible. This is natural – but unwise. Your best bet is to embrace your single life wholeheartedly for six months or so. Obviously you may end up having sex with other people – but do make sure it’s safe sex. However, your emotions are not going to settle for quite a while, so have fun, but don’t go looking for anything else serious until you’re happy without your ex. You’ll know you’re getting over your heartache when you can get through a whole day without thinking about them. (Christine Webber – How To Mend A Broken Heart)

Scared of Singledom?

Sometimes the fear of being single keeps people in relationships that are well beyond their sell-by date. So how do you really know when it’s time to say goodbye?

The signs

So, your relationship has run its course. You’re bored. You’re miserable. Unrewarded and uninspired. Still, it’s better than being alone, isn’t it? Here is a real example told in the first person:

Shelley and me were always known as the ‘marrieds’ at college because we pretty much did everything together, reveals, Mark, 20. But then we went to different universities, and things started to drift soon after. We saw each other whenever we could, but travelling cost a fortune and we both found it hard going. I suspected Shelley’s heart was going out of the relationship, but I couldn’t bring myself to address it. Why not? Fear, basically. Fear that we would split. I just didn’t know how I would cope alone, so I pretended everything was fine. For two terms.

Looking back, Mark admits he was miserable. His feelings for Shelley had changed, but the unknown intimidated him. All too often people think being single makes them second-class citizens, while in reality it can be liberating.

That Christmas, Shelley and I went out and she told me she’d been seeing another guy. I was devastated, but it was also kind of inevitable, and for the first time we both talked freely about the situation we were in. We agreed it was over, which hit me hard, but I guess I’d been fearing a split for so long that it wasn’t actually as bad I imagined. In some ways it felt like a release. A chance to move on at last.”

Mark’s tips:

Be honest about your feelings: I think when you’re having doubts about the way ahead the one person you should be telling is your other half. It affects them as much as you do, after all. Had we been more upfront with each other about the fact that it wasn’t working out; it certainly would’ve been a much cleaner finish.

Don’t just focus on the negative aspects of being single: Of course it’s going to hurt coming out of a relationship, but you forget the good things that come with being a free agent. Parties are more fun for a start!

Take one step at a time: When you’re on the inside looking out, the prospect of being single seems a world away from what you’ve got. But it’s not like alien territory, and my fear that I’d end up lonely and desperate proved unfounded. In some ways I look at couples now and I’m glad I’m not in their shoes!

Accepting it’s over: You’ve split up with your partner but all you can think about is getting back together. No matter how much you want them back, the best way to move now is on. When you split up with someone that you still have feelings for it’s tempting to let them make all the rules in order to keep them in your life. The problem is, if there’s no hope of reconciliation, you’re just prolonging the agony – and it will take even longer for your broken heart to mend.

Try to accept that it’s over: This is so difficult, but until you accept that the relationship is over you’ll probably keep reading ‘secret’ messages into everything connected with your ex. It’s particularly hard to believe you really have been dumped if you’re still seeing each other. The best way to get over a relationship is to sever all connection – even if just for a while. Of course this is very difficult if you’re in the same job or at college together – but the less contact you have the better.

No sex with your ex: After a while, you and your ex might meet up – especially if you lived together and have to sort out possessions or have legal problems together. You might spend an evening sorting out these things, and then open a bottle of wine, and maybe then you’ll have a kiss and cuddle for old times’ sake and one thing could lead to another. Attractive though this sounds – especially if you are still in love with your ex – having sex could break your heart all over again. The chances are that your ex will get up abruptly afterwards and say something like This shouldn’t have happened, or Well that was nice, but it doesn’t change anything, and you’ll feel as devastated as when you first split up. So make it a rule – NO SEX WITH YOUR EX.

Can we still be friends? If your ex has said something like: Of course we must stay friends, be wary. Do you need this person as a friend? Well, perhaps it would be good long-term, but right now you want them as a lover – and being treated simply as a friend will prolong the agony of coming to terms with the split. The truth is that it will probably help your ex’s guilt about dumping you, but you’re the one who needs help right now, not your previous partner. The best thing to do is to keep your distance for a few months – and after that time, decide whether friendship is possible or even desirable.

Songs of Broken Hearts

She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life

It’s out of my hands
It’s out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted, I was so cavalier
Now, the way that it stands
She’s out of my hands

So, I’ve learned that love’s not possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now, I’ve learned that love needs expression
But, I’ve learned too late

And she’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life…

The heart-wrenching vocals of Michael Jackson make this one of the best broken heart songs ever. It is often said that music is the magic that can heal the heart and soothe the soul. And the same applies in case of broken hearts as well. Although not much can be done to recover lost love, listening to a couple of songs about broken hearts can, at times, help the heart to ease the pain and the hurt. If you feel the same and you find yourself short of options regarding good broken heart songs, fear not. Here is a list of some of the best songs for a broken heart. These were a few broken heart songs to listen to in times of hurt and pain.

In the comments section below, please suggest other songs that might fit here, and if they meet my criteria, I will add them to the list!

“It Must Have Been Love” ~ Roxette

“How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” ~ Michael Bolton

“Fix You” ~ Coldplay

“Can’t Smile Without You” ~ The Carpenters

“Dreaming With a Broken Heart” ~ John Mayer

“Torn” ~ Natalie Imbruglia

“What Goes Around Comes Around” ~ Justin Timberlake

“I Will Survive” ~ Gloria Gaynor

“One Broken Heart For Sale” ~ Elvis Presley

“Since You’ve Been Gone” ~ Kelly Clarkson

“Unbreak My Heart” ~ Toni Braxton

“You Oughta Know” ~ Alanis Morissette

“Tragedy” ~ Marc Anthony

“Knowing Me Knowing You” ~ ABB

“Heart Broken Girl” ~ Beyonce Knowles

“Another Crack In My Heart” ~ Take That

“You Were Meant For Me” ~ Jewel

“Let It Be” ~ The Beatles

“I Fall To Pieces” ~ Patsy Cline

“Broken Hearted Me” ~ Anne Murray

“Edge of a Broken Heart” ~ Bon Jovi

“Everything is Broken” ~ Bob Dylan

“Love Hurts” ~ Nazareth

“When You’re Gone” ~ Avril Lavigne

“Crying” ~ Roy Orbison

“It’s All Over Now” ~ The Rolling Stones

“You Give Love a Bad Name” ~ Bon Jovi

“Survivor” ~ Destiny’s Child

“Fighter” ~ Christina Aguilera

“I Want To Break Free” ~ Queen

“Numb” ~ Linkin Park

“While My Guitar Gently Weeps” ~ The Beatles

“Irreplaceable” ~ Beyonce Knowles

“Heartbreak Hotel” ~ Elvis Presely

Tags: being alone, blame, broken heart syndrome, Depression, divorce, healing, heart, heart break, heart break songs, heartache, loss, relationship, sadness. lonliness, stuck
Posted in Depression, Relationship Counseling | No Comments »

Men, Shame, and Therapy

June 16th, 2010

Men – Shame – and Therapy

Only one-third of people in therapy are men, so it’s not surprising I am frequently asked, “What can I do to get my husband or boyfriend into counseling?” I wish the answer were simple, but it’s as complex as the men we love. Men fear therapy due to shame and not just any shame, but the devastating shame of failure. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men who’ve experienced toxic doses of shame early on will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. Shame originates in early family and peer experience, and a shamed boy becomes a man who constantly fears the possibility of humiliation. These men are the most desperate for affection and approval, yet usually can’t ask for it; instead, they reject intimacy and blame or think the worst of others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they’ll suddenly lash out at anyone they think is “dissing” them.

Men have a profound fear of appearing weak or—god forbid—feminine, and will do whatever possible to exert their manliness. A recent study demonstrated the length of time a guy will tough it out with his hand submerged in freezing water depends on whether he thinks his masculinity is in question. For some men, their hand could fall off before they’d risk the shame of not seeming “man enough” to take it.

In order to understand men, women cannot ignore the powerful fear that being shamed has on our partners. Unfortunately, some women understand this and become masters at shaming their men as a means of control. Men, pay attention here, many of you don’t get it either. You may not realize that avoiding shame is something that haunts you every day! A mildly embarrassing event—like carrying your wife’s purse, can over activate a man’s fear that he’s failing at being a real man.

When therapy is mentioned, a man assumes he will be asked to admit he is flawed or needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support. Wow! What man would sign up for that? Men have male brains and women female brains, and we must learn to appreciate each other’s unique differences and not expect men to give up a chunk of their masculinity to accommodate women. What would we say if our men asked us to give up a chunk of our femaleness to accommodate them?

Men don’t enter therapy because they aren’t as aware of their psychic pain as women. Men are trying harder than ever to respond in more loving ways to their partners, to be better fathers, and to identify and manage their emotional needs more thoughtfully. Unfortunately, many haven’t figured a way to do these things and still feel like men. What we end up seeing instead is often anger. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men’s anger is often an expression of pain that women would likely display with tears or sadness. Men also “weep” by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

I facilitated a men’s psychotherapy group for a year. What a gift – they allowed me into a place where few women ever tread – the inner sanctum of the male bonding club. I marveled at the pain, confusion, uncertainty, these men shared. The world saw them as Alpha Dogs – but in the group, they expressed feelings, doubts, failures, insecurities, tenderness, and love. They found a safe place to open their hearts to other men and not feel shame. I saw them as men who needed to be understood and accepted for the less than perfect and yet amazing men, I learned to care for so deeply.

I wish I could speak to every man who is hurting, lonely, has painful childhood memories, unhappy in a relationship or job, or in a difficult family situation. I would include men who feel stressed, depressed, anxious, stuck, empty, joyless, lonely, or the million other reasons people choose counseling. I’d reassure them it’s not about being broken, weak, or failing. It is about being human. Everyone needs someone sometime. I take my car to mechanics, my computer to technicians, and when ill I see a doctor. I don’t expect I can cure all that ails my stuff and me. How many golfers and skiers have taken lessons from a sports coach and felt they were a failure for doing so? If it makes guys feel more secure, in most cases, I actually do more coaching then counseling.

When a man chooses to engage in work that’s hard, unfamiliar, awkward, and even frightening—but which is in keeping with what really matters to him—we see a kind of courage and resolve that characterizes, well, a real men. When we recognize and honor how men communicate their caring, we can then help them find release from needless pain and allow them to be able to receive and give more in relationships. When we respect their defenses, honor their intentions, speak to them in a way that values their maleness, and connect with them as real human beings, we find that men aren’t that different. As women who are in relationships with men who can reveal their vulnerability know so well, it’s extremely rewarding to be part of the process through which a man opens up and finds that he still feels like a man, or even like more of one. He has learned to be truly powerful – not over others, but over himself. He has finally learned to express the feelings, thoughts, and caring he was accused of not having but that were really just hidden behind his wall of masculinity and fear of shame.

Tags: agape love, Anger, childhood, courage, defences, doubts, failure, failures, flawed, insecurities, love, masculinity, men "weeping". intimacy, pain, psychic pain. feelings, romantic love, shame, tenderness, therapy, weakness
Posted in Anger, Anxiety & Stress, Depression, Guilt, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counseling, Relationship Counseling | No Comments »

Pack Rat – Hoarder – Clutterer – Do Any of these Words Describe You?

June 16th, 2010

p>Pack Rat – Hoarder – Clutterer – Do Any of these Words Describe You?

I often explain to my clients that a cluttered home results in a cluttered mind – whether it is diagnosable or just plain messy. The cleaner and neater your environment, the more productive you will be, no matter what daily task you perform – whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a middle management executive at a large corporation – if your work environment is messy you are only working at a fraction of your abilities and probably not enjoying as much as you could. I encourage folks to make their environments, both home and work, as pleasing to the senses as possible – take a look around where you are right now – and don’t laugh – what does your area look like – is it pleasing to the eye – do the colors suit your mood, are the smells either stimulating or relaxing, does your pen feel good in your hand, is your chair comfortable and the right height with the correct back support (I have seen people complain for years because their employer would not buy them the right chair instead of going out and spending a few hundred dollars and purchasing one themselves and being comfortable for the next 20 years!) If you are allowed to fix up your space, put a rug down, add some personal touches to your desk, like a good reading lamp, burn a mildly scented candle if you don’t share your space with someone else, buy some attractive file folders so that work is more colorful – do whatever you have to do to make your workday more pleasing to your senses. And finally, before you leave at night put everything back where it belongs, straighten things up and ready your work area for the next day so when you come in you can get started on the day right away as you will be able to put your hands on what you need and you will know exactly where you left off the day before. If you do all this, when you get home at night, I guarantee you will be much less stressed and the evening with your family, partner, or time with yourself will be much more enjoyable. I am assuming you are coming home to an environment that meets all your senses as well, especially your bedroom. If it doesn’t, then at least begin the process, by converting your bedroom to an oasis where the sole purpose is for sleeping or for intimacy – no ironing board, no family photos, no stair master, well you get the idea. If you want some more suggestions on the bedroom, send me an email.

Now back to the topic cluttering and hoarding and pat racking (there is a difference between all three)
Clutterer vs. Hoarder – Most clutterers call themselves hoarders, but fortunately, only a very small percentage of clutterers are truly hoarders. Media stories often focus on hoarding, since hoarding makes better copy than cluttering. According to psychiatrists and psychologists, less than 1% of the population hoards. While hoarding is a serious psychological condition that can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, here is a brief discussion of the differences between hoarders and clutterers. The psychology of cluttering and hoarding are very different.

A hoarder cannot make rational decisions about what is useful and what is not. Thus, the hoarder often saves garbage or soiled items. If you don’t you probably aren’t. You are probably “just” a Clutterer. It is a very sad and difficult task to help hoarders.

Hoarders obsess about their stuff and are compelled to collect it. A Clutterer just lets it pile up. Clutterers don’t give it much thought. It seems to flow into their lives without any effort on their part. A hoarder is usually unaware of anything being wrong. If you are concerned about your clutter, you are not a hoarder.

A Clutterer becomes overwhelmed by her stuff and has emotional attachments to her possessions but does not save garbage. A Clutterer often has some of the following symptoms: low self-esteem, difficulty in making decisions, fear of loss and failure, mild depression, belief that she doesn’t deserve any better. A Clutterer holds onto items and relationships that do not server her because of these beliefs.

If it is a family member’s clutter that is overwhelming you, then you should consider the differences before labeling her. As always, professional help can be a big boost in recovery, but unless a person is willing to make changes, odds are she won’t. Hoarding needs to be treated by a psychiatrist and medications are often prescribed.

For more information about hoarding and OCD in general, there is not a better source than the OC Foundation. Email: info@ocfoundation.org. Web site: www.ocfoundation.org. Their address is POB 70, Milford CT 06460. PH: is 203-878-5669.
From Clutterers Anonymous – Clutter is anything they don’t need, want, or use that takes our time, energy or space, and destroys our serenity. It can be outgrown clothes, obsolete papers, broken toys, disliked gifts, meaningless activity, ancient resentments, or unsatisfying relationships. They may be selective in some areas, but not in others. Objects may be strewn about or wedged into drawers; neatly stacked or stowed in storage.

Our clutter seems to have a life of its own, to multiply without effort on our part. They may feel overwhelmed, controlled by our possessions, and/or doomed to be hopelessly disorganized. No matter how they deal with our clutter, it can be a source of pain and shame to us and to those they live with.

Despite this pain, they fear throwing things out. They think they might need it, fix it, or wear it again. They don’t want to be wasteful or ungrateful. They don’t know what to keep and what to discard. They don’t know how much is enough.

De-cluttering is not merely eliminating, but gradually transforming our space so that they surround us only with things that express our purpose. It means turning something useless into something useful; creating more leisure and space; being more honest in our relationships; eliminating distractions and simplifying our lives in order to find our spiritual roots.

Although they may cling to our clutter, what they really yearn for are surroundings of beauty, order, serenity; a balanced life; and harmonious relationships.

Hoarder – Definition: Pathological or compulsive hoarding is a specific type of behavior characterized by:
• acquiring and failing to throw out a large number of items that would appear to have little or no value to others (e.g., papers, notes, flyers, newspapers, clothes, garbage)
• severe cluttering of the person’s home so that it is no longer able to function as a viable living space
• significant distress or impairment of work or social life
About 15% of people with OCD report compulsive hoarding as their primary problem. While it usually begins in childhood, it often goes unnoticed until adulthood. People who hoard often have relatives who have also engaged in compulsive hoarding.

Hoarding does not seem to respond as well to medications as other forms of OCD do. A cognitive behavioral approach may be more effective, as it specifically targets the harmful thoughts that are often present among people who hoard.

Pack Rat – Is someone who collects things that have been discarded by others or is any of several bushy-tailed rodents of the genus Neotoma of western North America; hoards food and other objects – is often used as a slang term for hoarder or Clutterer, but really does not describe either.

Changes After Attending 6 months or more of Clutterless Support Groups
(Obviously, this was based on a much smaller universe, since there are few meetings nationwide. Not all attendees stick it out, expecting some miracle cure, or they find out they don’t want to do the inner work necessary to change their behavior. For those who have attended meetings on a regular basis (and they have about 60 who do), the results are significant. They have a core of about 20 who have attended meetings for two or more years. Some have been able to move into new houses, and keep them decluttered. One even had an open house, with dozens of friends invited.
Began or continued therapy 23%
Feel the combination of therapy & meetings helps Very much Somewhat No opinion
73% 19% 8%
Feel more in control of their lives 81% 16% 3%
Feel their depression and anxiety bouts less severe 63% 30% 7%
Demographic Profile
Female 78%
Male 22%
In a relationship 37%
Personality Profile
Procrastinate 90%
Battle vague fears when facing clutter. 63%
Feel cluttering has affected ability to have relationship with another person 64%
Indecisive 51%
Feel cluttering has affected them professionally 34%

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (AD/HD) is often a component of cluttering or hoarding behavior. The following information about ADD and AD/HD is excerpted from Mike Nelson’s book, Clutter-Proof Your Business, which is about many aspects of cluttering beyond just business organization. The topics of ADD and AD/HD are also addressed in Stop Clutter From Wrecking Your Family, also by Mike Nelson.
“ADD manifests as an exaggeration of tendencies they all have.” – a medical professional with ADD.

It is statistically unlikely that you have ADHD and only medical testing and diagnosis will tell you if you have it. Of all the clutterers I personally know, only five have been diagnosed with ADHD. They are all professionals, holding down good jobs. They are all perfect examples that ADHD or cluttering are not excuses for not being the authentic you – the best you. They have learned to use their unique traits in positive ways, in jobs that don’t force them to be someone they are not.

ADD And Cluttering
ADHD symptoms will sound very familiar to chronic clutterers, and indeed, to everyone who experiences too much stress. “Being on my own enables me to clutter to my fullest potential. I had an ‘administrative assistant’ for almost an entire year. She was the best friend I could have dreamed of. She helped encourage progress in our office. I lost her services about year ago. My skills have slipped back to only about 20% of what they they’re with her support. At home, my behavior is beginning to ‘enable’ my 8 year-old son’s tendencies to clutter. He was diagnosed with ADHD in 1998. Meanwhile, I’ve been treated for depression and anxiety. I have been able to work with my therapist to understand that my depression and anxiety may be co-dependent on my ADD and associated clutter. It has reached a serious point in my 11-year marriage where I must get control of my problem and deal with its roots, or face a lonely, unproductive future with the potential to harm my son’s own healthy development. With his already obvious ADHD, he doesn’t need another barrier to development of effective coping skills. If I had been able to address my ADD as early as he can, I do not think that I would have as much difficulty as I face now.” – Toni, Office Manager with ADHD.

What Is ADHD?
Clutterers and ADHD’s have different ways of looking at things than most people, which contributes to their disorganization at work. Wilma Fellman, M.Ed., LPC, agrees that some of the symptoms of cluttering and those of ADD adults have similarities. She thinks it is important to emphasize strengths and work on weaknesses. “They have the choice to live our lives ‘leading with our strengths,’ or offering our challenges as excuses for our failures. They can refer to us as ‘disabled’ or they can show the world our special ‘gifts.’ As a career counselor, I work to assist clients in identifying their special talents. If they, as humans, are made up of hundreds of ‘puzzle pieces,’ does it not make sense to first define ourselves by referring to those parts that shine brightly? When they look at Christopher Reeve, who was paralyzed when he was thrown off a horse, do they see disability, or do they see outstanding strength of will and character that catapults him into productive action?” She’s a Career & Life Planning Counselor specializing in working with ADD or AD/HD adults (www.findingacareer.com), and author of The Other Me: Poetic Thoughts on ADD for Adults, Kids and Parents, and Finding A Career That Works For You.

en explain to my clients that a cluttered home results in a cluttered mind – whether it is diagnosable or just plain messy. The cleaner and neater your environment, the more productive you will be, no matter what daily task you perform – whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a middle management executive at a large corporation – if your work environment is messy you are only working at a fraction of your abilities and probably not enjoying as much as you could. I encourage folks to make their environments, both home and work, as pleasing to the senses as possible – take a look around where you are right now – and don’t laugh – what does your area look like – is it pleasing to the eye – do the colors suit your mood, are the smells either stimulating or relaxing, does your pen feel good in your hand, is your chair comfortable and the right height with the correct back support (I have seen people complain for years because their employer would not buy them the right chair instead of going out and spending a few hundred dollars and purchasing one themselves and being comfortable for the next 20 years!) If you are allowed to fix up your space, put a rug down, add some personal touches to your desk, like a good reading lamp, burn a mildly scented candle if you don’t share your space with someone else, buy some attractive file folders so that work is more colorful – do whatever you have to do to make your workday more pleasing to your senses. And finally, before you leave at night put everything back where it belongs, straighten things up and ready your work area for the next day so when you come in you can get started on the day right away as you will be able to put your hands on what you need and you will know exactly where you left off the day before. If you do all this, when you get home at night, I guarantee you will be much less stressed and the evening with your family, partner, or time with yourself will be much more enjoyable. I am assuming you are coming home to an environment that meets all your senses as well, especially your bedroom. If it doesn’t, then at least begin the process, by converting your bedroom to an oasis where the sole purpose is for sleeping or for intimacy – no ironing board, no family photos, no stair master, well you get the idea. If you want some more suggestions on the bedroom, send me an email.

Although they may cling to our clutter, what they really yearn for are surroundings of beauty, order, serenity; a balanced life; and harmonious relationships.

The Psychological profile of a Clutterer looks something like this:
Are, or have been in therapy 46%
Felt therapy helped understand & change cluttering behavior. 74%
Referred by therapist to support meetings (where applicable) 38%
Have anxiety, especially when dealing with clutter 37%
Consider themselves depressed much of the time 24%
Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (While Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is the correct diagnosis; few clutterers exhibit the hyperactivity aspect). Self-diagnosis of tendencies Diagnosed
22% 4%
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 5% 1%
In 12-Step Group 18%
Changes After Attending 6 months or more of Clutterless Support Groups
(Obviously, this was based on a much smaller universe, since there are few meetings nationwide. Not all attendees stick it out, expecting some miracle cure, or they find out they don’t want to do the inner work necessary to change their behavior. For those who have attended meetings on a regular basis (and they have about 60 who do), the results are significant. They have a core of about 20 who have attended meetings for two or more years. Some have been able to move into new houses, and keep them decluttered. One even had an open house, with dozens of friends invited.
Began or continued therapy 23%
Feel the combination of therapy & meetings helps Very much Somewhat No opinion
73% 19% 8%
Feel more in control of their lives 81% 16% 3%
Feel their depression and anxiety bouts less severe 63% 30% 7%
Demographic Profile
Female 78%
Male 22%
In a relationship 37%
Personality Profile
Procrastinate 90%
Battle vague fears when facing clutter. 63%
Feel cluttering has affected ability to have relationship with another person 64%
Indecisive 51%
Feel cluttering has affected them professionally 34%

Recovery Groups
A subject that frequently comes up at Clutterless Recovery Groups meetings is the emotional effect of decluttering. One emotion that clutterers feel is anger at being called “messies, packrats or slobs.” Helping clutterers learn to accept, understand, and deal with emotions is what Clutterless Recovery Groups is all about. Clutterers know that clutter is not just stuff. Clutterers have it for a reason, and the reason is often based on deep-seated emotions. Clutterers are not hoarders, though they may have some hoarding tendencies. Do not call them hoarders.

This is why clutterers cannot just let someone come in and declutter or organize for them. They resent it. Clutterers may feel depression or anxiety because of the fear of losing their stuff and their control. Well-meaning friends may say, “I saw a woman on Oprah (or some other show) just go in with a team and organize and clean up her house. Why can’t I do that for you?” Once you stop shuddering, just tell your friend that tactics like that may work for simply disorganized people, but that clutterers are more complicated. However, don’t expect understanding. Few outsiders understand clutterers, anymore than people used to understand alcoholics. Until the last fifteen years or so, most people thought alcoholics were just weak-willed people who didn’t stop drinking because they were lazy and didn’t want to. Today, thanks to a lot of media attention, most people understand that alcoholics can stop, but it requires a program like AA, treatment, therapy or a combination of all three. Clutterers are in a similar boat, though it is much smaller. There are no treatment facilities for clutterers and they probably don’t need them anyway. A group setting like Clutterless can certainly help. Some also go to therapy. They don’t do these things until they accept that their cluttering is not just about stuff. They have to understand that they clutter for a reason and want to discover (or unclutter) that reason.
When they first start, they don’t realize this. They just go after the symptoms, not the disease. That’s fine. They should applaud themselves for getting started at all. As they delve deeper and deeper into their clutter, they uncover emotions along the way.

The first emotions are often elation, or pride, and anger. Good. They need more pride in their lives. Some get angry — at the clutter, at themselves for letting it build up. That’s okay too. Anger is a positive tool when turned against our clutter and a negative one when turned against them (which leads to depression).

After they have made some headway, fear shows its ugly head. They become fearful that they will lose something important because they feel they are going to make mistakes. They become fearful that their clutter was helping them hide from the outside world and now they will have to face that.

Some clutterers have used clutter as a barrier to having relationships. When they declutter, they no longer have that barrier. They can invite friends, family, lovers, and neighbors over. However, since the relating to others muscles have atrophied, they are afraid they will not know how to relate to these people. They are like teenagers, just learning how to act with our peers. More emotions come as well — just about the

Tags: ADHD, anxiety, clutterer, Clutterers Anonymous, Clutterless Recovery Group, Depression, hoarder, OCD, pack rat, shadow self
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Lions without a Cause

May 22nd, 2010

This article was not written by me, but by someone whom I admire and whose books I recommend highly. He is smart and funny and a great presenter. He and his training partner offer wonderful workshops for couples in Hagerstown, MD.

This article is a great follow-up to my article “Men, Shame, and Therapy.

Men’s animal instincts don’t fit the modern world

Most of the couples I work with are referred by clinicians who find the man to be “too resistant” for therapy to continue. Typically, when the guys come in, they’re either defensively resentful, angry, or just emotionally shut down. Often they start right off by proclaiming that they’re frustrated as hell with therapy. As we talk, it becomes clear that, initially, they practiced the communication techniques they were taught and took to heart the insights they learned about relationships and family of origin. Yet, for reasons they can’t explain, they couldn’t bring themselves to make the long-term effort to use their new skills or apply their consulting-room insights on a routine basis at home. Of course, this failure to follow through makes their wives even more disappointed in them: “It was one thing when I thought he couldn’t do it; now I know he just won’t!” noted one angry spouse.

But beyond the frustration and resentment of the men I see is their utter bewilderment. Despite their time in therapy, they still don’t have a clue about what their wives and therapists want from them. Partly this has to do with having different expectations from their partners—men just don’t buy relationship-improvement books, read women’s magazines, or watch Oprah. They find words like, connection, attunement, and validation mystifying, used less to enlighten than to point out their deficiencies.
Most of my male clients feel that their previous therapy experience was about forcing them to fit a template of what the Therapy World believes love and relationships should look like. While the therapeutic language of “intimacy” is supposedly gender-neutral, most men see it as reflecting values and ideals that appeal disproportionately to women. Nevertheless, when men don’t buy into our relationship template, we often wind up labeling them as resistant, manipulative, narcissistic, or, maybe worst of all, “patriarchal.” The message these “failed” clients get is that the way they express their love just isn’t good enough.

The reason men can talk about feelings and relationship patterns in consultation rooms, but are unlikely to keep doing it at home is simple: emotional talk tends to produce more physiological arousal in men—they experience it more stressfully. Unlike women, they don’t get the oxytocin reward that makes them feel calm, secure, and confident when talking about emotions and the complexities of relationships; testosterone, which men produce more of during stress, seems to reduce the effect of oxytocin, while estrogen enhances it. It takes more work with less reward for men to shift into and maintain the active-listening and self-revealing emotional talk they learn in therapy, so they’re unlikely to do it on a routine basis.

Gender Differences
Some readers may be squirming right now at the very suggestion that there may be gender differences in the way people love. So let me emphasize that gender differences can never account for all of the nuances and complexities of individual behavior or render irrelevant the impact of personality variables, such as introversion, sociability, and neuroticism. It’s important to remember that research findings are always about group averages and thus provide room for lots of individual exceptions.

My colleague Pat Love and I begin our presentations standing side-by-side while making the empirically valid statement that men are generally taller than women are. (Pat is 5 ft. 11 in. or so, while I’m just over 5 ft. 6 in.) If you randomly select 25 men and women, the average height of the men will likely exceed the average height of the women, yet probably there’ll be tall women and short men in the sample as well. There most assuredly are men who love to talk about feelings and women who hate it. For some couples, no doubt, emotional conversation is like a good, mutually enjoyable backrub—both parties love it equally. However, those couples are unlikely to seek therapy.

Broadly speaking, the men who do come into therapy want to feel understood and appreciated as much as their wives, but therapy typically involves asking partners to go beyond generalized expressions of appreciation to acknowledge that each partner’s point of view is reasonable or understandable in certain circumstances. The focus of most of today’s couple’s therapies is “validation”—conveying an understanding that you experience your partner’s mental and emotional states and that you value their experience. But the fact is that men often don’t want their thoughts and deeper feelings experienced or valued by their partners, even if their therapists think they should want these things. Unless we develop a better understanding of the real, intrinsic rewards men can experience as a result of being in therapy, they’ll just go through the motions or pursue their hidden agendas, like “Learning what I have to say to get laid.”

For men to engage in the hard work of change, the rewards have to be automatic and visceral, independent of the artificial environment of the therapist’s office and vague therapeutic concepts. They have to feel compelling reasons to change and, most important, to incorporate new behavior into their daily routine. I believe that the primary motivation keeping men invested in loving relationships is different from what keeps women invested, that it has a strong biological underpinning present in all social animals, and that it’s been culturally reinforced throughout the development of the human species.

The glue that keeps men (and males in social animal groups) bonded is the instinct to protect. If you listen long enough to men talking about what it means to love, you’ll notice that loving is inextricably linked, for many men, to some form of protection. If men can’t feel successful at protecting, they can’t fully love.

Protection and Connection
The main role of males in social groups throughout the animal world is to protect the group from outside threats. For the most part, males participate in packs and herds only if the group has predators or strong competition for food. Herds and packs without predators or competitors, like elephants and hippos, are matriarchal, with males either absent or playing peripheral or merely sperm-donor roles.

Male physiology is well-evolved for group protection, with greater muscle mass, more efficient blood flow to the muscles and organs, bigger fangs and claws, quicker reflexes, longer strides, more electrical activity in the central nervous system (to stimulate organs and muscle groups), and a thicker amygdala—the organ that activates the flight or fight response. That’s right, the first emergency response in male social animals is flight, with the option to fight coming into play only when flight isn’t possible. The principal protective role of males in social groups is to lead the pack to safety. (The primacy of flight over fight may be why the initial response of most men to conflict with their wives is to withdraw or shut down.) Significantly, males who are deficient in protecting—the ones poorer at escaping or, if necessary, fighting—have little access to the females of the species.

In species in which the females are the primary hunters, like African lions, males protect the pride from competition for food from other lions and hyenas. This sets them apart from lions in other parts of the world because they’re socially integrated with the pride. Some zoologists believe that this is because the smaller females, while excellent hunters, couldn’t protect their kills from hyena packs.

When most animal packs are under attack and can’t flee, the males form a defensive perimeter, while the females for the most part gather the young and hide them within an inner circle of protection. This scenario plays out in a great many human households, when the woman, who generally has keener hearing, detects a middle-of-the-night sound somewhere in the house. The man typically goes down to investigate, perhaps carrying a baseball bat, while she checks on the children.

Even when male animals are dominant in packs and herds, the glue of the social structure is maintained by females, who attend to one another in ways that are analogous to “validation”— sniffing, licking, and grooming other female members of the pride. This behavior calms and gratifies all the females involved, much the same way that a good emotional talk with girlfriends seems to calm and gratify women. If one of the females is missing from the pack, the others seem to worry. When she returns, the other females greet her with sniffing, licking, and grooming. The males remain connected to the group by virtue of proximity to the females, but don’t interact with them much. In contrast, it appears that frequent interaction among the females—along with fear of isolation—keeps them connected.

Anthropologists agree that humans were communal from our earliest time on earth, moving into pair-bonding relatively late in our history. There’s no reason to suspect that early human social structures were greatly different from those of other primates, where the larger, stronger males protected the tribe and the more social females “validated” each other. Both specialized activities—protection and validation—increased survival rates by enhancing group cohesion and cooperation.

Through much of history, the idea that men and women should consistently engage in intimate conversation and validate each other’s emotional worlds would have been laughable. As historian Stephanie Coontz puts it, previous generations widely assumed that men and women had different natures and couldn’t truly understand each other. The idea of intergender emotional talk independent of the need to protect didn’t emerge until the dissolution of the extended family, which began in the middle of the 20th century. Previous to that, the nuclear family—an intimate couple and children living as an isolated unit—was a rarity. Other family members were in the same house, next door, or across the street. Women got their emotional validation from other women, although they certainly wanted admiration from their men and vice versa. Today, research shows that the healthiest, happiest women have a strong network of girlfriends. In earlier times, men tended to associate mostly with other men—a cultural construct that’s still prevalent in many parts of the world, frequently reinforced by religious beliefs.
Male Protection and Self-Value
The survival importance of the instinct to protect makes it a potent factor in men’s self-value. Men with families automatically suffer low self-value when they fail to protect loved ones, no matter how successful they might be in other areas of life. Just imagine the emotional fate of a world-class CEO who distractedly lets go of his child’s hand, and sees the child run over in traffic. In contrast, a man’s self-value will likely remain intact, even if he fails at work, as long as he feels he can protect his loved ones. As a boy, I remember the manager of our Little League baseball team, a man in his mid-forties, who was beloved by his two sons and idolized by the rest of the kids, even though our parents considered him a flunky for working as a grocery store bagger. Being fired from a job is more tolerable for men who are more invested in the protection of their families than in their egos. They tend to search immediately for another job as a means of putting food on the table, while those who view failure at work primarily as an ego assault may face weeks of self-reproach and depression before they get up the energy to job-hunt. Under stress at work, women tend to want closer family connections, while men under stress are likely to withdraw if not isolate from their families to keep from feeling overwhelmed by their failure to protect. Men who abandon their families don’t respond to them as individuals with needs as much as symbols of their failure to protect.
Failure to protect drains meaning and purpose from the lives of family men. As a result, they often turn to some form of adrenaline arousal for motivation or stimulation—chronic resentment, anger, drugs, affairs, or compulsive behavior. When those prove insufficient, they succumb to a dispirited numbness or depression. I’ve never seen a depressed, resentful, angry, abusive, addicted, unfaithful, or compulsive man who didn’t see himself as a failure at protecting his family.

Violence and Failure to Protect
Male social mammals that succumb to fear and fail to protect the pack are either killed or driven away by its dominant males. Those who survive banishment often become rogue predators on the pack, raping females and killing juveniles who stray too far from the group. Among humans, violent criminals usually lack what sociologists term a stake in the community: marriage, paternal investment in children, a job, and positive neighborhood connections. Serial killers and terrorists almost never have intimate relationships or a close connection to their children. Historically, invading armies wanted soldiers before they married or had children; when they did have spouse and children, they were kept isolated from them. By contrast, defensive armies conscripted married men because they’d be willing to die to protect their families from invading hordes.

The increase in family violence since the 1960s parallels the diminishment of fatherhood in America. Fatherless homes have grown 400 percent by some estimates, greatly increasing the risk to women and children. A woman and her children are much more likely to be abused by a boyfriend who isn’t the father of the children and to suffer serious violence and death at the hands of a rejected father, compared to a woman and children who live with the children’s father. Men marginalized as protectors of their families are likelier to struggle for power and control over their wives or girlfriends. They compensate for loss of the capacity to protect with dominance and/or violence.

My early experience with court-ordered domestic-violence offenders taught me that when fathers are more involved in the lives of their children, they’re less likely to hurt women. Before developing our intervention for domestic violence, we studied a group of young men (with a mean age of 22), all of whom had at least two children from previous relationships and who were court-ordered for abuse of their current partners. (At that time, there was only one agency in the area offering batterer intervention, and it had a long waiting list.) As is too often the case with young violent men, none of our guys had a relationship with his children.

We gave them a course called Compassionate Parenting, which raised their awareness of the emotional worlds of their children, particularly their need for fathers who care about them and are willing to look out for them. These young men got more involved in the lives of their kids and, without any direct intervention for domestic violence, reduced recidivism of partner abuse to about 28 percent. The normal recidivism rate for unmarried men of this age group was more than 60 percent, after domestic-violence intervention.

Fur and Bone
In modern culture, male protection is defined almost entirely in financial terms. Protector is practically synonymous with provider, and a man’s worth is measured by how much fur and bone he can bring home to the cave. However, the world has changed profoundly. Now few women have a choice between work and full-time motherhood, and more often than not, men aren’t the chief source of financial support in their families. The psychological toll on men conditioned by nature and society to equate being the provider and protector with personal value can be devastating. The predominant cultural message continues to cast men as the dollar signs of families, only now it upholds a standard of breadwinning that fewer men than ever can achieve.

The harm of making the dollar the measure of the man is twofold. First, it undervalues the emotional support that men can—and many do—give their families. In fact, our therapeutic message to men can appear to be paradoxical because we ask them to give support that is more emotional to their partners at the same time that the culture undervalues it. Second, overvaluing financial support creates a sense of entitlement in many successful providers. They think all they have to do is make more money to earn the “services”—emotional, sexual, homemaking—of their wives. The fact that wives and therapists expect more from them than being a successful breadwinner seems inherently unfair.

Male Protection in Therapy
As a practical matter, it’s useful in therapy to educate couples about the role of protectiveness in the male psyche as a way of normalizing the difficulties they have in forming a more perfect union. Couples typically find it particularly interesting that males remain connected to social animal groups by proximity to the females, even though they don’t interact much, while the females enhance group cohesion by frequently interacting with one another. If the couple has had a boy and girl toddler, they can see this difference in social orientation for themselves early on. Assuming that the children are both securely attached, the boy will tend to play in proximity to the caregiver, always checking to see that he or she is there, but seeking far fewer direct interactions—talking, asking questions, making eye contact, touching, hugging—than the girl. As long as he knows his caregiver is present, his primary interaction is with the environment.

Similarly, a man can feel close to his wife if he’s in one room—on the computer, in front of the TV, or going about his routine—and she’s in another. He’ll likely protest, sulk, or sink into loneliness if she goes out, which she may well do since he isn’t talking to her anyway. To her, and to uninformed therapists, it seems that he wants her home so he can ignore her. However, he isn’t ignoring her; her presence gives stability to his routine.

This little example of why proximity to his wife is crucial to him works wonders in opening a man’s eyes to that fact that his wife gives meaning and purpose to his life. In fact, we tend to think about meaning or purpose only when we’re losing it, which is why men tend to fall in love with their wives as they’re walking out the door, with their bags packed. Evidence for the drastic loss of meaning and purpose that men suffer when they lose their wives is seen in the effects of divorce and widower hood on men: poorer job performance, impaired problem-solving, lowered creativity, high distractibility, “heavy foot” on the gas while driving, anxiety, worry, depression, resentment, anger, aggression, alcoholism, poor nutrition, isolation, shortened lifespan, and suicide. The divorced or widowed man isn’t merely lonely—he’s alone with the crushing shame of his failure to protect his family.
I’m able to use education about the effects of divorce on men clinically, because most guys know someone at work who’s lost his family and become a shadow of his former self. As a quick way of accessing men’s fundamental sense of the meaning and purpose of their lives, I ask each man to write down what he thinks is the most important thing about him as a person. “How do you want those you love to remember you,” I ask. “Near the end of your life, what will you most regret not doing enough of?”

Because meaning and purpose are elusive psychological concepts—a way of describing why we do something rather than what we do—men will rarely hit the mark at first. They say they want to be remembered as a “good provider,” “hard worker,” “loyal man,” choosing mostly protective terms. I then ask them to imagine they have grown children and how they’d most like their children to feel about them when they’re gone. “Dad was a good provider, hard worker, loyal, etc. I’m not sure he cared about us, but he was a good provider, worked, and was loyal” or “Dad was human; he made mistakes. But I always knew that he cared about us and wanted what was best for us.” On a deep level, all the men I’ve worked with have wanted to be remembered with some version of the second statement—as both protective and compassionate. Helping men learn to express care and compassion directly to the people they love is the key to bridging the divide between their protective instinct and their reluctance to show their emotions.

To Love Big, Think Small
Most of my work with couples centers on helping men come up with ways to approach expressions of emotional support and compassion as a form of protection. We start with enhancing a man’s daily awareness of how his desire to protect his family gives meaning and purpose to his life. He signs an agreement in therapy to remind him every day that the primary reason he does most of what he does is to protect his family.
My experience in working with men has taught me not to be misled by the interest they might show in therapeutic topics during sessions. They’re often curious about patterns of behavior and communication, as well as family-of-origin issues. They’re also capable of impressive catharsis during sessions. Typically, however, their curiosity and catharsis won’t translate into sustainable behavior change, as 20-plus years of doing regular follow-ups with couples indicate. For all its repetitive tedium, behavior rehearsal is more effective with men in the long run than insight and catharsis.

That’s probably because men are creatures of habit, who generally don’t like surprises or departures from routine. They tend to be less tolerant of interruptions in their relatively rigid daily regimens—eating the same thing for breakfast every day, brushing their teeth at the same time and in the same direction, putting their keys in the same place at the same interval after they arrive home. Because routine is paramount for most men, behavior change based on insight and catharsis eventually sinks beneath the grind of daily habits. However, if their routine incorporates small behaviors that enhance their relationships (by increasing their sense of protectiveness), change is likelier to endure.

Early in therapy, I ask men to come up with some brief, symbolic rituals that will build an awareness of the meaning and purpose of their role as protector into their daily routine. A few of my favorites include lighting a morning candle, posting “I love you” notes, putting a flower petal on his wife’s breakfast plate, sending affectionate text messages, and writing one line of their favorite song every day. To increase the chances of compliance, the rule for the small rituals is that they’re spread throughout the day and take less than two minutes total to enact. The goal is to build a mentality of caring over time.

Although men in treatment almost invariably buy into compassion as a deeper form of protection, there’s one aspect of this important bonding emotion that’s hard for both men and women to grasp: true compassion is giving what the other person needs, not necessarily what you want to give. The kinds of protection men want to give often come off more like control than the help and support their partners desire. It’s easy for any of us to confuse control with support when we feel protective of loved ones. If you doubt that, just ask your children. What seems controlling to them, you feel you do out of concern and protectiveness. I use several techniques with couples to convert control into support.
First, I explain that control is implying that she isn’t smart or creative enough to decide things on her own, or that her perspectives and opinions aren’t valid, relevant, or important. It’s telling her what to do and then criticizing or withdrawing affection if she doesn’t do it. By contrast, protective support is respecting her competence, intelligence, creativity, and resourcefulness. It’s giving her encouragement to find the best course of action and then standing by her if what she decides to do doesn’t work. The therapeutic practice I use is role-playing advocacy—he’s her lawyer presenting her case (i.e., perspective) in a disagreement. This forces him to focus on the strengths of her position, rather than trying to undermine it. We practice this until the ability to see both perspectives simultaneously becomes automatic to him. The nice thing about this exercise is its built-in reciprocity effect; women tend to begin see both perspectives simultaneously, too, when their husbands start doing it.

A major challenge to lasting change in marriage lies in the fact that couples’ day-to-day interactions operate largely on automatic pilot. Emotional response is triggered predominantly by unconscious cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and level of mental distractedness. Negativity in any of these inadvertently sets off the automatic defense system that’s developed between the parties. Once triggered, the unaware couple can easily spiral into dysfunctional patterns of relating. They tend to get lost in the details of whatever they’re blaming on each other, with no realization of what’s actually happened to them—namely, an inadvertent triggering of the automatic defense system.

To offset the escalating effects of the automatic defense system, I try to get men to use their negative emotions as cues to protect. If he feels guilty, ashamed, resentful, or angry, she’s most likely feeling anxious or afraid, even if those vulnerable emotions are hidden beneath harsh resentment or anger. I ask the guy to remember times when he first felt negative emotions in any given interaction with his wife. He recalls the feeling and briefly “physicalizes” it, noting what it feels like in his neck, jaw, chest, shoulders, back, arms, and hands. He associates these physical sensations with a moment’s mindfulness of the things he most values about himself as a person, which is to be protective and compassionate to his family. He then shifts focus to the anxiety or fear underlying his wife’s resentment/ anger. He makes some gesture of reassurance—a demonstration of protectiveness to ease her anxiety—usually making eye contact, touching her hand, rubbing her shoulder, or just asking if he can help. The gesture has to convey that he cares about how she feels and that he very much wishes her well. This level of compassion has to be established before they address the content of their dispute. Once emotional reactivity is regulated by compassion, any dispute becomes easier to resolve. We practice the exercise in treatment until it seems automatic to the couple.

This is sounding much more mundane and plodding than it is in execution. It’s actually exhilarating to help a man use his protective instinct to strengthen his vulnerability. It’s exciting to watch him move from perceiving his wife’s requests (and complaints) as indictments of his ability to protect to experiencing them as cues to activate his desire to protect. He can then see, hear, and support—that is, protect—the most important adult in his life. When he’s able to do that, she feels validated. They both feel “connected,” for want of a better term, even though they’re in different emotional states and doing different things for different rewards. Rather than forcing themselves to act like the same instruments playing the same notes in a duet, couples who begin to interact in this way become like two different instruments playing different notes to create something together that neither can do individually—relational harmony.

This article originally appeared in The Psychotherapy Networker. Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the director of Compassion Power and author of Love without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One. Contact: stosny@compassionpower.com . I have attended several of Steven’s professional workshops and referred many of my clients to his couple’s retreats. He is as entertaining as he is brilliant! Stosny & Love coauthored “Save Your Marriage without Talking about It – A book I recommend highly!

Posted in Anger, Anxiety & Stress, Depression, Guilt, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counseling | Comments Off

Men, Shame, and Therapy

May 22nd, 2010

Men – Shame – and Therapy

Only one-third of people in therapy are men, so it’s not surprising I am frequently asked, “What can I do to get my husband or boyfriend into counseling?” I wish the answer were simple, but it’s as complex as the men we love. Men fear therapy due to shame and not just any shame, but the devastating shame of failure. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men who’ve experienced toxic doses of shame early on will do anything to avoid re-experiencing it. Shame originates in early family and peer experience, and a shamed boy becomes a man who constantly fears the possibility of humiliation. These men are the most desperate for affection and approval, yet usually can’t ask for it; instead, they reject intimacy and blame or think the worst of others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they’ll suddenly lash out at anyone they think is “dissing” them.

Men don’t enter therapy because they aren’t as aware of their psychic pain as women. Men are trying harder than ever to respond in more loving ways to their partners, to be better fathers, and to identify and manage their emotional needs more thoughtfully. Unfortunately, many haven’t figured a way to do these things and still feel like men. What we end up seeing instead is often anger. According to Psychotherapy Networker, men’s anger is often an expression of pain that women would likely display with tears or sadness. Men also “weep” by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

Posted in Anger, Depression, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counseling | No Comments »

Notes on Jealousy

May 18th, 2010

The following are notes of Jealousy from my most recent Radio Show – It will not read like a regular article, but it is chock full of great information. As usual, please feel free to email me directly or leave a comment after the Notes if you would like more information. A great book on Jealousy: Coping With Your Partner’s Jealousy by Nina Brown, EdD, LPC, NCC

UNDERSTANDING JEALOUSY

JEALOUSY IS A BAD THING

It makes you break into a sweat every time she wants to go out with the girls or him with the guys. It causes your stomach to sink at every mention of male friends, colleagues and ex-boyfriends. It leaves you unable to sleep, obsessing over what he’s doing with whom when he isn’t with you. Jealousy, in short, will turn your happy little relationship into a seething viper’s nest of paranoia, nagging questions and suspicion.

Unfortunately, it’s one of the most natural emotions. Think about it: You adore your lover and want to be with him or her, so why wouldn’t every other man or woman?

JEALOUSY SCENARIO

The two of you are seated in a restaurant. She is looking like her usual sexy self and you marvel at the fact that you’re with the hottest woman in the room. Everything is going great until a male model wannabe makes his way through the crowd and stops at your table. Your lady looks up and is smitten to see her former flame. As she introduces you to him, you try to maintain a smile while shaking hands. They continue to exchange friendly words and you sit idly by while your blood boils to levels that may or may not result in his body being flung over to the dessert cart. In short, his presence is making you lose it.

sound familiar?

This scenario is one of millions that depicts jealous, which is a human emotion we instinctively experience at some point or another. Just like with aggression and paranoia, jealousy can take on varying degrees of severity. The above scene could result in you either being totally at ease by the ex’s presence or getting into an all-out brawl with the guy while accusing your date of being a tramp for accommodating his greeting.

For some, jealousy is a real issue and, if left untreated, can create a permanent wedge between you and your partner, while negatively affecting future relationships. Fortunately, overcoming jealousy in relationships is possible, although sometimes it can be difficult.

what is jealousy?

Jealousy often refers to a strong desire for someone else’s stature or possessions. However, in a social relationship, it causes someone to be doubtful of their partner and feel threatened by their interaction with certain people, the clothes they wear, or the places they go, in varying degrees.

Minor Jealousy
Having reservations about your partner going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of your partner drooling over someone walking by are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be both harmless and a common reaction. However, I believe if both parties are secure in themselves, and there is trust in the relationship, then of these should be neither a threat nor an issue in the relationship. Both men and women look, they always will – get used to it!

Healthy Jealousy
A partner who voices his or her concern over having his lover go out with a group of the opposite sex or sees another person flirting with them is also part of a healthy relationship. In this case, one must look at that specific circumstances and determine if the average man or woman would find the situation distasteful. A loyal partner will not want to cause their partner undue hardship if he or she really does have a legitimate concern about the proposed activity or behavior and is not over-reacting to the situation.
Obsessive Jealousy
The problem arises when aggression or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once a person reaches this stage, the partner obsessively begins questioning loyalty, which often results in rage and may even result in the use of physical force.

The jealous partner may inherit an extremely low tolerance level and, before long, the other is unable to even look at a member of the opposite sex or leave his or her partner’s side when out together. The Jealous partner demands to know where he or she is at all times and the mere mention of another person’s name sends him or her off the deep end.

the source of jealousy

Jealousy is often acquired through experiences in relationships where a previous partner has cheated, causing increased possessiveness and control for fear of repetition. Even if this partner has never given you any reason for doubt, there is increasingly desperation to hold on to the relationship and to avoid potentially hazardous situations at all costs.

Similarly, the person who was unfaithful in the past, and, in a shameful attempt to not have it happen to them , want to ensure that they are the sole object of desire.

However, jealousy is usually a byproduct of one’s own issues with self-confidence and self-esteem. The feeling of not being good enough for your partner and that you’re together by fluke. Additionally, the jealous lover may believe that most other suitors seem better looking and, therefore, feel threatened by any potential interloper.

Watching your lover interact with other members of the opposite sex causes worries this other person may steal the partner away. Jealously also is directed at the close bond the partner has with close friends of the opposite sex, many known for his or her entire life.

why is jealousy dangerous?

Jealousy, for those who can’t control it, is detrimental to a relationship because it eats away at the one thing that holds it together: TRUST. To tell your partner that he or she cannot have lunch with a male or female coworker is to say “I don’t trust you” (unless of course, your partner has really given you reason not to). If you have to impose so many restrictions, should the two even be together?

Jealousy also takes away from the quality time together as it leads to numerous fights that focus on each other’s negative qualities. Furthermore, the jealousy one ends up spending the bulk of the day foolishly thinking up scenarios in which the lover may be cheating. Before long, the greater part of the relationship is spent on what could be happening rather than what is happening. Jealousy will be harder to control as the relationship progresses, so as it reached dangerously high levels, it’s time to get help as soon as possible.

learn to control yourself

Jealousy, however, must be kept in check. Uncontrolled jealousy will destroy a relationship just as quickly as cheating. For the sake of your love life, here are some steps to overcoming jealousy in your relationship.
1- Learn from experiences
Look at how your behavior affected past relationships and use that to help you behave better. You may soon discover that these tantrums are the cause of your troubled love life. Realize that getting upset with your partner for no reason won’t help your situation.

2- Deal with reality
Focus on what is really happening, not what you perceive to be happening. You may end up having difficulty distinguishing fact from fiction, and you don’t want to kill an otherwise perfect relationship over things that never really happened. Don’t let your imagination dictate the kind of person your partner really is. Alcohol does not help this situation as the frontal lobe of our brain (the thinking portion shuts down) so we are usually unable to distinguish fact from fiction and are more likely to believe our fears and fantasies.

3- Respect yourself
Realize that your lover chose you for a reason and there is no need for him or her to be so easily tempted elsewhere. Remind yourself that you’re every bit as deserving as those others that threaten you.

4- Get a third party’s opinion
Being an internal emotion, jealousy can easily lead into a downward spiral. Suspicious thoughts can be amplified as you turn them repeatedly in your head. Like a conspiracy theorist overanalyzing facts and placing great significance on tiny events, you can convince yourself of something that just isn’t there. Ask a friend to take note of your behavior around your girlfriend. It may help you to understand the extent of your actions (as well as your partners) by getting a neutral party’s perspective.

Stress the need for total honesty and outline your reasons for being jealous. Reveal as much as you can, and if he asks questions, answer them with details, as they may help him shed some light on why you’re feeling this way. For example, have you ever cheated? If you have, this could be why you’re feeling jealous (as you’re expecting him to betray you), so don’t cover it up. Often, you’ll find just talking about things makes you realize how irrational you’re being.

5- Set some rules early on
Try establishing some general guidelines as to what is and isn’t acceptable for you. This way, you’ll both have justification for discussions when either of you is behaving improperly.

6- Perform a detached self-evaluation

Armed with your friend’s insight, overcoming jealousy requires you to take a long look at yourself in the mirror. The reasons for your jealousy could have more to do with your attitude and behavior then your partners. Examine what issues could spark jealousy in you. If you’ve cheated or if any of your past relationships involved infidelity, you could be more prone to jealousy than others could. If you’re under stress (even for reasons unrelated to your relationship, like work, for example), you could find you libido lowered, and feel that other men or women are more attractive to your lover.
It’s OK to feel jealous, as long as you can contain and channel it in a positive manner. Keep in mind that having other men or women flirt with your partner is normal — just consider it as flattery on both your parts. As long as other person looks but doesn’t touch, what’s the big deal?

Remember that TRUST is the foundation of any relationship, and you shouldn’t let your insecurities destroy yours. More importantly, show your lover the same respect you would want shown to you. If you can do as you please, then so can she.

Next in overcoming jealousy comes your evaluation of the relationship. If you’ve made it this far, there has to be a reason for it. Focus on these positive points before moving on to any negative ones. Chances are that the good points outweigh the bad ones, otherwise one of you would have thrown in the towel by now. By comparing the real relationship to your internal feelings of jealousy, you should gain balance and realize competitors will have a hard time taking her away from you.

Build on this evaluation to improve the relationship, and — on a personal level — to make progress in overcoming jealousy. If you have identified problems with your attitude, behavior, or relationship, work to resolve them. Remember: Jealousy is an internal process, but favorable external circumstances will reduce it.

7 – Inflate your ego

Because this feeling is internal, the biggest step in overcoming jealousy is to work on you. Feeling jealous about your lover’s relationship with another person has much more to do with you than it does with anyone else. To overcome this, you have to learn to boost your self-esteem. This may sometimes require the assistance of a life coach or a counselor
Take time to remind yourself how great you are. The very fact that he or she is with you means you have beaten all the other men and women in the world. Any rivals can’t just waltz in and take your partner away because you’re already miles ahead of the game. Channel time and effort into the relationship to insure your lover’s happiness, and when you hear “You’re the best,” it’ll do wonders for your ego.

Overcoming jealousy involves not just concentrating on the relationship, but also increasing your self-opinion in all other areas. Take pride in the things you’re good at, take more time with the hobbies and interests you enjoy and excel at, and surround yourself with people who think you’re terrific. Get a haircut, buy a sharp new suit… do whatever you can to remind yourself that you’re the bomb, and you won’t worry about all the other interlopers in the world.

8 -Trace all future episodes of jealousy

Keep track of all your future feelings of jealousy. If you find yourself suspicious or angry with another person, sit down and analyze it. Get a clear idea as to why you feel threatened, listing all the reasons on your side and his or hers. Then try to rationalize why these feelings are justified. Attempt to imagine the world in which all the crazy thoughts are true, and you’ll find that all the pieces just won’t add up. Eventually, you’ll come to dismiss your jealous thoughts as quickly as they crop up.

Anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship has probably felt the green-eyed monster creep into his or her thoughts at one time or another. Ah, jealousy. It can cause insecurity, detachment, and, often, just plain immaturity. No one wants to admit that they are a jealous person, and, admittedly, some people are better at curbing their jealousy than others. Nevertheless, as much as we try to fight against it, sometime you just can’t help but feel it. What’s worse is that jealousy can often make you act out against your partner even if your partner is innocent and has no idea why you are angry or, worse yet, it can foster your own low self-esteem.

Whatever the reason, whether valid or not, jealousy can be a huge factor in disconnection between couples. Sometimes it is flattering when a relationship partner gets a little jealous, but a boost to the ego is very different from the fights and resentment that can come from real, hidden jealousy. This sort of jealousy is never a good thing for a relationship and communicating your own jealousy to your partner without sounding irrational can be tricky.

The question remains: How can you learn to recognize jealousy and deal with it without jeopardizing your relationship?

Jealousy is Sparked from Insecurity
The closer you become with your partner, the more you have to lose by breaking up. If you are not aware of your own qualities or not confident in your own attractiveness as a relationship partner, insecurities can develop. If your insecurities are not addressed with your partner, they only fester and grow. It is true that there is a small percentage of jealousy that comes from a valid feeling, but most of the time, jealousy comes from personal insecurities that have grown because of lack of communication.

If your own insecurity or low self-image makes you think badly of yourself, you often begin to wonder what your significant other sees in you. You will start to question why your partner would want to stay with you and fear that he or she will inevitably meet someone “better”. The fear that your partner will wake up one day and realize there is someone better out there can lead to suspicion on your part.

When suspicious thoughts begin to enter the mind of an insecure person the green-eyed monster will begin to rear his ugly head. You may find yourself questioning your partner’s actions or becoming too needy of your partner’s time and attention. If you don’t discuss your insecurities with your partner, questions may begin to fill your head. Why does he always come home later on Tuesday nights…who is he seeing? Why does she always talk so much about that new co-worker…does she like him?

Because these questions and the motives behind them (your own insecurities) are not brought to the forefront, you may start to see problems that aren’t there. If suppressed long enough, often a jealous person will “flip out” when, in reality, their partner has done nothing wrong. A friendly conversation can look like flirting or a hug may seem to go on a little too long even though it is innocent. Moreover, unfairly to your partner, you will overreact in anger or heavy emotion.

How To Prevent and Let Go of Jealousy
So, how do you prevent these thoughts from flooding your mind or from even occurring at all? The first thing you need to do is open the lines of communication with your partner. Tell your loved one calmly and openly that you love him or her but, because they are so important to you, you are feeling anxiety or insecurity about the relationship. Chances are your partner will reaffirm how much he or she loves you and you both can discuss the reasons why you are with each other. Unless there is a bigger problem that requires legitimate worry (in which case it is a good thing you started talking!), admitting your fear of losing your partner will open up a door of communication that can actually bond the two of you closer together. If you sense jealousy from your partner, learn to offer reassurance about your relationship more often.

After you have communicated your feelings with your partner, you will better understand the reasons why your partner has chosen you and be far less likely to second-guess your partner’s intentions. You will be reassured of the fact that your significant other is in a relationship with you because he or she loves you, not because they are waiting for someone better to come along. You love your partner, and, your partner loves you. It’s that simple. When you stop wasting your time thinking of reasons why your partner will leave you, you can start to understand the many reasons why your relationship is stable and satisfying for the both of you. If you can admit that you are someone worth loving, you can focus on building and strengthening the love between you both.

One final though – jealousy can often be dangerous – it is also a characteristic of Love Addiction – do not take it lightly – if severe it does not mean that your partner is so in love with you – it means they want to control your every move – it is serious and you both need help fast or there could be horrendous results – do not take severe jealously lightly!

Jealousy Quiz: http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveQuiz/QZ247

Jealousy Cause Worksheet

It’s very easy to blame your jealousy on one particular thing. “My girlfriend danced with ANOTHER GUY!”
“That guy was looking at my girl in THAT way!”
“My boyfriend was FLIRTING with that girl at the restaurant!”
“My husband is ALWAYS staying late at work, and his secretary is pretty!”
“My wife is ALWAYS out at her garden club on weekends. Who knows what she’s doing there!”

However, if you put 100 different couples in that EXACT same situation, in some cases the partner will be madly jealous and upset, and in other cases the partner will be completely happy and content. Why is that? Because it’s not the SITUATION that is causing the jealousy. It is the ASSUMPTIONS of what is going on that is causing them.

Before you get to this worksheet, you should have already read advice on Jealousy, taken the Jealousy quiz, and read the tips about how jealousy starts. If you haven’t yet, head back and Read the Basics on Jealousy. You should get a sense of what jealousy is all about.

Jealousy is a FEAR within one person of something bad happening. It’s based on a love for another person and losing that person. You can’t be jealous of someone you don’t care about. You can’t be jealous of someone you trust fully. So jealousy is about having a fear and worrying that your partner will fulfill that fear.

Fill out the following, and be brutally honest. This is your own relationship you are saving.
1: What are some of the triggers that bring out my jealousy:

2: When these triggers happening, what do I fear will happen as a result?

3: Why do I fear my partner will follow through on these actions or not resist the result?

4: What real life situations in my past cause me to believe this outcome will occur?

Really think about these questions and answers. These all form the background in your brain for how you react to situations. They help give you the justification for behaving the way that you do. But all behavior is learned, and all action is controllable. That’s part of being a person that is mature enough to be in a relationship with another person. Part of what you agree to, when you agree to date or be with someone, is to treat them with respect and to honor them. This means trusting them, and working together to build and sustain this relationship. If you are being jealous, you are actively undermining that relationship – you are not doing your part.

Think about your responses for a few days. Focus on those fears and how your fears are affecting the relationship. Next, we will start working on ways to address those fears.

Jealousy Focus Activity

This worksheet is part of the Overcoming Jealousy Program. Be sure to start there if you came into this page from another source.

You’ve filled out the worksheet and at least have looked at the fears that jealousy is harming you with. Sometimes though it’s hard to equate those genearl fears with a real life situation. So think about your partner, and think about a particular trigger event that happens that really makes you jealous. We’ll focus on that one trigger event as a way to show you that jealousy can be managed.

What is the trigger event? _________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

What do you fear it means? _________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

What is the worst that could happen because of this event? _________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Talk with your partner about the trigger event and the fears it causes. Explain that you wish to move beyond the fears, to overcome them. Your partner will probably be quite eager to help out, since jealousy harms both of you and harms your relationship.

Now, any time this trigger event is coming up, make sure you reinforce your love with each other first. Tell each other you love each other, or just look into each other’s eyes, or even re-read a letter or poem or look at a photo of each other. Think about a memory of a time you two were really happy together. Do something to remind yourself that the love you share is alive, is real, is not a wisp of mist.

Then, during the trigger event, don’t focus on the fears. The fears aren’t real – only your mind is inventing them. Focus on the love you have with your partner. This love won’t just blow away. It is a strong, real love. Remind yourself in strong words:

I LOVE MY DARLING. MY DARLING LOVES ME. NOTHING AS MEANINGLESS AS THIS SITUATION CAN SHAKE THAT.

Keep repeating the words. If different words appeal to you better, use those. But make sure the words are POSITIVE, that they are strong and powerful in your mind. You will find that your words can easily drown out any meandering thoughts your brain might try to show you. And you will find that when the trigger event is past, that you will feel even better about the relationship – that it will now seem even stronger to you, because something as silly as that one event couldn’t even dent it.

Talk to your partner about it afterwards. Tell your partner of the love you felt, and celebrate with a special hug or dinner or walk in the park. If you still felt a twinge of jealousy during this, that’s OK. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But keep making that effort, and you will forge new thought patterns in your brain, that will soon become the normal, happy way you view the world.

So far we’ve talked a lot about the triggers that cause your jealousy, and the fears you have. But all of these are still symptoms of something. Let’s take the most basic view of this situation. Love is what binds two people together. There is always going to be someone out there with more money, with a bigger house, with a more handsome face, with a more appealing body. That’s the way the world works. But LOVE is what causes two individuals to dedicate themselves to each other and not jump ship every time someone new comes along. Because if a person is going to keep jumping ship, they will never be satisfied, because there is ALWAYS someone with more of something.

So a person who is feeling jealous is feeling that they are not good enough for their partner – that their partner will see someone else out there with “More XXXXX” and the love you share will not be enough to hold the partner to you.

One of the most important things you can possibly do for your relationship is to see, understand and appreciate your own good points. I’m not saying you should become egotistical and go around triumphing your greatness. You SHOULD be proud of what you are, proud of the things you have accomplished, and feel worthy of the love your partner gives to you. You love your partner! In a way it diminishes your partner’s love to say “You bozo, how could you possibly love me? I’m worthless!” That would be saying that your partner was stupid and not choosing love wisely.

Have your partner write a list of the 10 traits your partner likes best in you. They could be that you are funny or caring. It could be that you are a great mountain biker, or love poetry. It might be that you enjoy rap music or sci-fi movies. Don’t include things beyond your control, like physical traits. Include things about YOU that are part of your personality and hobbies.

Now look through the list. If you’re not feeling worthy of your partner’s love, you have a list to focus on! Your partner loves mountain biking with you? Make sure you get out on the trails together, and share that! Your partner enjoys the poetry you write? Write a new poem celebrating your love! Ask your partner to give you feedback on the things you are doing. The more you spend time doing things you both love, and that make you both feel good, the better you’ll feel about yourself and your relationship.

Don’t forget to also spend time on things YOU love. Make a list here of the top five hobbies or activities you would REALLY like to do in the next few months:

1. _______________________________________________

2. _______________________________________________

3. _______________________________________________

4. _______________________________________________

5. _______________________________________________

Now, think of ways in which you could do at least a few of these things. Yes, it might involve some time planning and money saving. But all too often we put off our own pleasures because of chores and work. You need to consider your own happiness to be JUST as important as other things. If you have to, schedule time for that three hour soak in the tub, or 2 hour walk in the woods!! There always needs to be a balance of happy activities in your life. If you don’t have enough ‘fun time’, you can get grumpy … which makes the people around you grumpy … which makes your relationship grumpy. You might not even realize that YOU are causing most of that unhappiness! If you focus, even for 2 weeks, on finding small blocks of time to make YOU happy, you might be amazed at how the world around you reacts to that.

Once you have become happy with life, and happy with your relationship, the world will become a much friendlier place. You will realize that the people you were very jealous of before now don’t bother you at all. You will know that you love your partner, your partner loves you, and no random other people could come between you two and the love you share. There will ALWAYS be people who are richer or sexier or have more possessions. None of those have anything to do with love.

Posted in Anger, Gay and Lesbian, Marital Counseling, Men's Issues, Psychotherapy, Relationship Counseling, Sex & Intimacy, Women's Issues | 1 Comment »

Carol Drury, PhD

Flyer for Workshop #1 and Retreat #1

NEWS FLASH – September Workshop Scheduled

Dealing with Difficult People

Forgiveness

Help for a Broken Heart or How Am I Supposed to Live Without You

Definition of a Broken Heart

Religious Views – Buddhism

In classical references – Psalm 69:20

Literature – Plays of William Shakespeare

Changes to the Heart – Broken Heart Syndrome

Associated Feelings

Types of Broken Hearts

What Exactly Is Heartbreak?

How Can I Deal With How I Feel?

Broken Heart Survival Guide

Instructions

Month 1

Months 3 to 6

One year and beyond

Additional Tips for Moving On:

Tips:

First love

Starting again

Scared of Singledom?

The signs

Mark’s tips:

Songs of Broken Hearts

Men, Shame, and Therapy

Pack Rat – Hoarder – Clutterer – Do Any of these Words Describe You?

Lions without a Cause

Men, Shame, and Therapy

Men – Shame – and Therapy

Notes on Jealousy

Dr. Carol is on Twitter

Dr. Carol’s Blog

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